Blues

I'm a wee bit down today. I guess it comes from being physically down, at the (hopefully) tail end of a cold, and this morning I had another nasty sick headache. The beautiful thing is that nowadays I can get a little blue without slipping into total despair and depression. I got MEDS. :) Seriously, thank God for effective treatment for depression. Today I'm just a little down, I still have hope but I am feeling a little low.

After all I wrote yesterday about self-forgiveness, I am a little down on myself, too. That's part of what depresses me about being sick -- my main flaw that I wish I could fix, the thorn in my side, is laziness. So when you're sick, you're legitimately lazy, right? But to me, it just feels like a failure, like more of the worst of the same. Well, whatever. I think this cold is winding down. Every day is a new day.

I started thinking again today about the nunnery. I wonder if I've burned my bridges by dropping out of touch, not writing to them in the past year. I hope not. I wonder if I really do belong there. I don't know if I'm really learning what I thought I needed to learn about making it out here without security, anyway; I don't know if I really needed to learn it, or if I just need to accept my strengths and weaknesses -- is it pride that makes me want to be independent?

I need to read and pray, try to listen for His guidance. It doesn't have to be so hard. Or is it the other way around? I shouldn't expect it to come easily, I have to work for it? I guess, what I believe about that is: if I am in tune with God's will for me, then sure it's hard work, but it's productive work, you feel like you're moving forward. It's like what they call being in the zone. First step is to pay close attention, pray and ask and listen for that guidance.

And if anyone stumbles across this blog and reads this, pray for me, too, please.

Regina Terrae