I'm a wee bit down today. I guess it comes from being physically down, at the (hopefully) tail end of a cold, and this morning I had another nasty sick headache. The beautiful thing is that nowadays I can get a little blue without slipping into total despair and depression. I got MEDS. :) Seriously, thank God for effective treatment for depression. Today I'm just a little down, I still have hope but I am feeling a little low.
After all I wrote yesterday about self-forgiveness, I am a little down on myself, too. That's part of what depresses me about being sick -- my main flaw that I wish I could fix, the thorn in my side, is laziness. So when you're sick, you're legitimately lazy, right? But to me, it just feels like a failure, like more of the worst of the same. Well, whatever. I think this cold is winding down. Every day is a new day.
I started thinking again today about the nunnery. I wonder if I've burned my bridges by dropping out of touch, not writing to them in the past year. I hope not. I wonder if I really do belong there. I don't know if I'm really learning what I thought I needed to learn about making it out here without security, anyway; I don't know if I really needed to learn it, or if I just need to accept my strengths and weaknesses -- is it pride that makes me want to be independent?
I need to read and pray, try to listen for His guidance. It doesn't have to be so hard. Or is it the other way around? I shouldn't expect it to come easily, I have to work for it? I guess, what I believe about that is: if I am in tune with God's will for me, then sure it's hard work, but it's productive work, you feel like you're moving forward. It's like what they call being in the zone. First step is to pay close attention, pray and ask and listen for that guidance.
And if anyone stumbles across this blog and reads this, pray for me, too, please.
Regina Terrae
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Forgiven-ness
[Not journalling regularly, nor even reading regularly ... but I think I might be starting to get over this cold, so I will try to get back to it. Picking up with a post I started last Friday.]
I've been doing my lectio divina with the Office of Readings (see the link to universalis.com on the right), but last Thursday I actually went off on a tangent from a footnote and ended up in Genesis 32-33. Jacob had gone to his mother's family 20 years earlier, partly because his parents didn't want him marrying a Canaanite woman, but partly because his brother Esau was out to kill him for tricking him out of his birthright and their father's blessing. So in chapter 32, 20 years later, as Jacob sets off on his journey home (with his two cousin-wives and two slave-concubines, all their children, servants, livestock and all), he's very nervous about meeting Esau again. He sends ambassadors ahead with gifts, and when they finally meet he goes "bowing to the ground seven times, until he reached his brother." But "Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, and flinging himself on his neck, kissed him as he wept."
Have you ever loved someone who just didn't love himself enough to believe you loved him?
Have you ever screwed up, apologized, been forgiven, but failed to forgive yourself?
Do you really believe in God's mercy and forgiveness? Do you believe He loves you unconditionally? Or are there things about yourself that you just can't accept?
Esau asked Jacob why he sent all those flocks of livestock ahead of him? Jacob answered "It was to gain my lord's favor." Esau brushes it off, "I have plenty; you should keep what is yours, brother." But Jacob begs him to accept the gift, "since to come into your presence is like coming into the presence of God, now that you have received me so kindly." So Esau accepts.
Not saying that repentance doesn't demand some penance. Making amends isn't always as easy as saying "I'm sorry." Even though Esau received Jacob back with open arms, his brother's public penance and gifts might have served to wipe out any residual bitterness or doubt about their relationship. Or, for Jacob himself, it might have reinforced his understanding that his past behavior toward his brother was unacceptable, and kept him more firmly in a new respectful attitude. To re-start their relationship new and fresh, on new footing, required making amends for the past. But once that's done, move on! Don't wallow in it! Loving your brother is not the same as hating yourself!
Accept forgiveness, accept love, which really, to be meaningful, has to be unconditional. That means that it is precisely when we have screwed up, when we've fallen short, when we've hurt somebody, that their love is really meaningful. As God's love is meaningful. He's perfect, we are a mess, and He loves us totally, richly, extravagantly, enough to voluntarily put Himself through our sometimes miserable human existence, up to and including oppression, the betrayal of friends, public lynching, torture and death, just because He wants to hold our hand as WE go through our miseries. He doesn't love us because of our virtues, and He doesn't love us "in spite of" our flaws. He just loves us.
It breaks my heart when people don't go to church because they are too ashamed of themselves. They think they have to straighten up first, like they would defile the space by walking in as the unholy mess they are today. No, I try to tell them, you're supposed to walk in just as you are, and let God straighten you up. He already loves you ... the first step for you is to accept His love, accept that He loves you just as you are. Once you let that light in, things start to change for the better. But guess what? You will NEVER be holy enough to DESERVE God's love, and neither will anyone else. Real love is not earned, although it does inspire us to try.
Have you ever loved someone who just didn't love himself enough to believe you loved him? Doesn't it hurt? Do you hurt someone that way? Loving someone well also means letting your beloved love you. Accepting love is an act of love. That goes for siblings, sweethearts, friends, and God.
I've been doing my lectio divina with the Office of Readings (see the link to universalis.com on the right), but last Thursday I actually went off on a tangent from a footnote and ended up in Genesis 32-33. Jacob had gone to his mother's family 20 years earlier, partly because his parents didn't want him marrying a Canaanite woman, but partly because his brother Esau was out to kill him for tricking him out of his birthright and their father's blessing. So in chapter 32, 20 years later, as Jacob sets off on his journey home (with his two cousin-wives and two slave-concubines, all their children, servants, livestock and all), he's very nervous about meeting Esau again. He sends ambassadors ahead with gifts, and when they finally meet he goes "bowing to the ground seven times, until he reached his brother." But "Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, and flinging himself on his neck, kissed him as he wept."
Have you ever loved someone who just didn't love himself enough to believe you loved him?
Have you ever screwed up, apologized, been forgiven, but failed to forgive yourself?
Do you really believe in God's mercy and forgiveness? Do you believe He loves you unconditionally? Or are there things about yourself that you just can't accept?
Esau asked Jacob why he sent all those flocks of livestock ahead of him? Jacob answered "It was to gain my lord's favor." Esau brushes it off, "I have plenty; you should keep what is yours, brother." But Jacob begs him to accept the gift, "since to come into your presence is like coming into the presence of God, now that you have received me so kindly." So Esau accepts.
Not saying that repentance doesn't demand some penance. Making amends isn't always as easy as saying "I'm sorry." Even though Esau received Jacob back with open arms, his brother's public penance and gifts might have served to wipe out any residual bitterness or doubt about their relationship. Or, for Jacob himself, it might have reinforced his understanding that his past behavior toward his brother was unacceptable, and kept him more firmly in a new respectful attitude. To re-start their relationship new and fresh, on new footing, required making amends for the past. But once that's done, move on! Don't wallow in it! Loving your brother is not the same as hating yourself!
Accept forgiveness, accept love, which really, to be meaningful, has to be unconditional. That means that it is precisely when we have screwed up, when we've fallen short, when we've hurt somebody, that their love is really meaningful. As God's love is meaningful. He's perfect, we are a mess, and He loves us totally, richly, extravagantly, enough to voluntarily put Himself through our sometimes miserable human existence, up to and including oppression, the betrayal of friends, public lynching, torture and death, just because He wants to hold our hand as WE go through our miseries. He doesn't love us because of our virtues, and He doesn't love us "in spite of" our flaws. He just loves us.
It breaks my heart when people don't go to church because they are too ashamed of themselves. They think they have to straighten up first, like they would defile the space by walking in as the unholy mess they are today. No, I try to tell them, you're supposed to walk in just as you are, and let God straighten you up. He already loves you ... the first step for you is to accept His love, accept that He loves you just as you are. Once you let that light in, things start to change for the better. But guess what? You will NEVER be holy enough to DESERVE God's love, and neither will anyone else. Real love is not earned, although it does inspire us to try.
Have you ever loved someone who just didn't love himself enough to believe you loved him? Doesn't it hurt? Do you hurt someone that way? Loving someone well also means letting your beloved love you. Accepting love is an act of love. That goes for siblings, sweethearts, friends, and God.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Day 2 of Lent
Well, it's not supposed to be easy, is it? *sigh* I smashed my finger yesterday moving cinder blocks. It was excruciating. I rushed to put it in ice water, and took some ibuprofen, but as I sat there shaking what I really wanted was a good swift shot of scotch. Grace: I resisted. And thank God, it is not broken, just a bad bruise.
I did my lectio last night, with the day's reading from Vigils: Isaiah 58. A reminder that Lent is not about self-denial for its own sake, but about putting social justice before personal comfort. Today's non-biblical reading, from a sermon by Saint Leo the Great (a 5th-century pope) also focuses on charitable works. I think I am too self-centered, too "me and God alone" -- well, it's the hermit tendency, isn't it? But what kind of charitable works should I do?
When I was writing out my resolutions yesterday, I addressed the problem of too much inward focus by promising to reach out to friends and relatives more, to give more to relationships I already have. But what about people who are needier than I, the poor, the sick, the imprisoned ... what about charitable works? Still thinking about it this morning, it occurred to me that I left a job paying a 6-figure income and great benefits because I did not agree with my employer's social justice philosophy or approach. I felt that we were doing too much harm and not enough good. Now I am job-hunting in the non-profit sector. Yesterday I talked with someone about a job paying about 30% of my old job, and I am hoping I get it. Isn't that my almsgiving? Giving up personal material comfort for the greater good? OK, I cut myself a break. More important for me, with my own individual faults and failings, is to give more love, more time, more attention to my own friends and family. Charity begins at home, yes? Sure.
Meanwhile, yesterday I did NOT reach out to anyone. Today I will answer MM's note, make a connection.
Lent is good. Renewal is beautiful. Blessed be God forever.
I did my lectio last night, with the day's reading from Vigils: Isaiah 58. A reminder that Lent is not about self-denial for its own sake, but about putting social justice before personal comfort. Today's non-biblical reading, from a sermon by Saint Leo the Great (a 5th-century pope) also focuses on charitable works. I think I am too self-centered, too "me and God alone" -- well, it's the hermit tendency, isn't it? But what kind of charitable works should I do?
When I was writing out my resolutions yesterday, I addressed the problem of too much inward focus by promising to reach out to friends and relatives more, to give more to relationships I already have. But what about people who are needier than I, the poor, the sick, the imprisoned ... what about charitable works? Still thinking about it this morning, it occurred to me that I left a job paying a 6-figure income and great benefits because I did not agree with my employer's social justice philosophy or approach. I felt that we were doing too much harm and not enough good. Now I am job-hunting in the non-profit sector. Yesterday I talked with someone about a job paying about 30% of my old job, and I am hoping I get it. Isn't that my almsgiving? Giving up personal material comfort for the greater good? OK, I cut myself a break. More important for me, with my own individual faults and failings, is to give more love, more time, more attention to my own friends and family. Charity begins at home, yes? Sure.
Meanwhile, yesterday I did NOT reach out to anyone. Today I will answer MM's note, make a connection.
Lent is good. Renewal is beautiful. Blessed be God forever.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ash Wednesday
My resolutions:
I'm tired of being a child; tired of giving up and retreating into distraction when things get challenging. This time, I will FAIL. Ha ha, no, I am serious. I am determined to fail! I am determined to TRY something, DO something, stretch my boundaries, go beyond what I already know how to do. I am determined to do what I don't know how to do, what I don't know that I can do, what is hard enough to not get right on the first try. To fail, because how else can I grow? How else can I learn something new, if I'm not willing to go into something I don't already know? I have to look stupid, or I'm not learning. I have to be a klutz, or I'm not training. I have to be a fat couch potato huffing and puffing and sweating, or I am not going to get fit and strong and sleek. I have to get turned down, or else I'm not asking enough. If I'm not willing to crash and burn, I'm not taking much of a leap of faith.
Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Do one thing every day that scares you". So underlying all my little Lenten disciplines and going beyond them, that is my resolution. It's what conversatio mora means to me: never stop growing.
- no alcohol & no computer games.
- exercise at least 4 times a week, strive for 6 (Monday - Saturday)
- spend at least 1/2 hour daily in lectio divina, journalling whatever reflections come out of it
- get out of my comfort zone with this job hunt. Today, that means making phone calls for "information interviews".
- one weekday Mass per week, let's say Wednesdays since we started today
- Reach out to people ... say, Saturday - Thursday, write or call at least one friend or relative per day. Fridays can be my hermit days.
I'm tired of being a child; tired of giving up and retreating into distraction when things get challenging. This time, I will FAIL. Ha ha, no, I am serious. I am determined to fail! I am determined to TRY something, DO something, stretch my boundaries, go beyond what I already know how to do. I am determined to do what I don't know how to do, what I don't know that I can do, what is hard enough to not get right on the first try. To fail, because how else can I grow? How else can I learn something new, if I'm not willing to go into something I don't already know? I have to look stupid, or I'm not learning. I have to be a klutz, or I'm not training. I have to be a fat couch potato huffing and puffing and sweating, or I am not going to get fit and strong and sleek. I have to get turned down, or else I'm not asking enough. If I'm not willing to crash and burn, I'm not taking much of a leap of faith.
Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Do one thing every day that scares you". So underlying all my little Lenten disciplines and going beyond them, that is my resolution. It's what conversatio mora means to me: never stop growing.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Self-Discipline and Neuroplasticity
Last night I watched The Brain Fitness Program on PBS. Well, I grabbed pen and paper and took notes! I'm in what I'd call "early middle age" (41), but already my short-term memory is appalling. I have always had a very hard time with concentration and self-discipline, a weakness which is making it really difficult to figure out and work my own monastic formation program, solitary life with no externally-imposed structure.
So the good news is that it is totally worth pushing myself, over and over again, because it WILL get easier. Yes, I may just be wired for inattention and acedia, but that wiring can change. It WILL change if I push it, if I don't give up. Step away from the computer games (delete the ones on the hard drive). Step away from the TV remote (it's for renters! I didn't have a TV for 4 years, what do I want one for now?). Get up off yer duff, go to the oratory and pray the Hours. Journal (here or on paper). Study -- just the other day I found some online courses at St. John's, Collegeville, in monastic spirituality topics. Work! The next time renters come, all I should have to do is change my own sheets and stow a few things, the rest of the beds should be made and the house clean, all the time.
There is a phrase in Karen Karper's book, whose title escapes me at the moment, that she wrote about her early experiences having left the Poor Clare convent to be a hermit. She took up quilting, with its very exacting standards of needlework, and as she ripped out imperfect seams over and over she learned to settle in and "submit to the discipline of [her] craft." I have adopted that phrase for my own! Whenever I find myself resenting tedious or difficult chores, I repeat that phrase to myself: "I am submitting to the discipline of my craft", the craft of eremitic monastic life. The Quotidian Mysteries, as Kathleen Norris calls them, subtitled Laundry, Liturgy, and Women's Work.
The PBS show was terrifically encouraging. I can get very down on the idea of fighting the dead weight of what Norris has me calling acedia. I tend to see it as my own personal weakness, something that is just wrong with me. I know that my family was going through some chaos during the years when I should have been learning self-regulation as a child, there were no rules, no routines, I never got in the habit of making my bed or picking my clothes up off the floor, I was an indifferent student ... never learned any kind of self-discipline. But what those neuroscientists said to me is that -- well basically, that it's never too late to have a happy childhood! I can still learn all those things, pushing against inner chaos is not pointless, it's not forever, the pushing will actually change me and I can train myself to live an orderly, productive life. I really am "wired" for undiscipline, but by practicing discipline, I will actually change that brain "wiring".
OK, God, that is my intention, then -- I choose self-discipline. I choose to grow and change. I know You will help me ... and thank You for the hope!
Regina Terrae
So the good news is that it is totally worth pushing myself, over and over again, because it WILL get easier. Yes, I may just be wired for inattention and acedia, but that wiring can change. It WILL change if I push it, if I don't give up. Step away from the computer games (delete the ones on the hard drive). Step away from the TV remote (it's for renters! I didn't have a TV for 4 years, what do I want one for now?). Get up off yer duff, go to the oratory and pray the Hours. Journal (here or on paper). Study -- just the other day I found some online courses at St. John's, Collegeville, in monastic spirituality topics. Work! The next time renters come, all I should have to do is change my own sheets and stow a few things, the rest of the beds should be made and the house clean, all the time.
There is a phrase in Karen Karper's book, whose title escapes me at the moment, that she wrote about her early experiences having left the Poor Clare convent to be a hermit. She took up quilting, with its very exacting standards of needlework, and as she ripped out imperfect seams over and over she learned to settle in and "submit to the discipline of [her] craft." I have adopted that phrase for my own! Whenever I find myself resenting tedious or difficult chores, I repeat that phrase to myself: "I am submitting to the discipline of my craft", the craft of eremitic monastic life. The Quotidian Mysteries, as Kathleen Norris calls them, subtitled Laundry, Liturgy, and Women's Work.
The PBS show was terrifically encouraging. I can get very down on the idea of fighting the dead weight of what Norris has me calling acedia. I tend to see it as my own personal weakness, something that is just wrong with me. I know that my family was going through some chaos during the years when I should have been learning self-regulation as a child, there were no rules, no routines, I never got in the habit of making my bed or picking my clothes up off the floor, I was an indifferent student ... never learned any kind of self-discipline. But what those neuroscientists said to me is that -- well basically, that it's never too late to have a happy childhood! I can still learn all those things, pushing against inner chaos is not pointless, it's not forever, the pushing will actually change me and I can train myself to live an orderly, productive life. I really am "wired" for undiscipline, but by practicing discipline, I will actually change that brain "wiring".
OK, God, that is my intention, then -- I choose self-discipline. I choose to grow and change. I know You will help me ... and thank You for the hope!
Regina Terrae
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Hospitality
My first renters left yesterday. It looks like this plan is going to work out, renting my house out short-term to travellers. It's a lot of work and worry, though. I worked so hard getting ready for this first group, the stress like to killed me -- and that's with paying people to help with cleaning, paint touch-up, and yard work. Even two days with the Trappistines hardly made a dent in the built-up stress.
Let me say this right now, in case anyone should mistake it -- I would rather do this a thousand times over than ever to go back to my old job, or ever be a bureaucrat anywhere in a big corporation. BLECH. Self-employment is hard work, mentally and physically, but I am ALIVE!
Of course, hospitality is a very appropriate activity for a monk, even a hermit. It matters very, very much to me that my activities be consistent with my values and my vocation (as I discern that vocation day by day!). But I guess it will be a lot easier when I have another place to live permanently, myself. Moving all my own stuff into and out of storage, and mooching rooms off relatives for a week at a time, is not ideal.
Although, the storage exercise, repeated often enough, might very well help me to SIMPLIFY my belongings. Already this first time I gave the cleaning lady a big bag of clothes and handbags -- she's about my size, and has a church-based charity to pass on anything she couldn't use herself. I need to lose more clothes, and coats, and shoes. And groceries! Man, my pantry is just -- back to that poverty and fasting thing. Variety is good, and healthy even (different foods have different nutrient balance, etc.), but I do not need so MUCH of it. I must have two dozen different grain products, between whole grains (rice, quinoa, barley, etc.), flour, hot cereals, pasta, etc. TOO MUCH. Simplify! Simplify, simplify, simplify, and then use up whatever's in the pantry, it is a SHAME how many expired cans I threw away in the course of packing away my groceries. OK, no more grocery shopping for a while, well unless I absolutely need something for Thanksgiving.
I'm going to have to get over the yuck factor. This first group was comprised of about 8 Ivy League grad students with their young professor, in town for a science conference. I think they were all men. They behaved themselves, they didn't burn the place down or like, mash potatoes into the living-room carpet or anything (I haven't found anything like that yet, anyway!). But they misunderstood about checking out at 10 AM, and when I got here at noon they were out but all their stuff was still here, clothes piled all over the pool table, pizza boxes on the kitchen counter, empty potato chip bag on the desk, shoes, laptops, ...... They didn't end up leaving until around 5 PM, so I didn't get the house cleaned up before moving back in myself. I still haven't taken a shower yet this morning, because I am just too grossed out. I have always thought of myself as something of a slob, not a great housekeeper, but I guess I do clean up after myself ... just, you know, toothpaste smears and ... toilets, and OK, I won't go there. Time to get up and work. Sorry to leave you on that note, but UGH.
Let me say this right now, in case anyone should mistake it -- I would rather do this a thousand times over than ever to go back to my old job, or ever be a bureaucrat anywhere in a big corporation. BLECH. Self-employment is hard work, mentally and physically, but I am ALIVE!
Of course, hospitality is a very appropriate activity for a monk, even a hermit. It matters very, very much to me that my activities be consistent with my values and my vocation (as I discern that vocation day by day!). But I guess it will be a lot easier when I have another place to live permanently, myself. Moving all my own stuff into and out of storage, and mooching rooms off relatives for a week at a time, is not ideal.
Although, the storage exercise, repeated often enough, might very well help me to SIMPLIFY my belongings. Already this first time I gave the cleaning lady a big bag of clothes and handbags -- she's about my size, and has a church-based charity to pass on anything she couldn't use herself. I need to lose more clothes, and coats, and shoes. And groceries! Man, my pantry is just -- back to that poverty and fasting thing. Variety is good, and healthy even (different foods have different nutrient balance, etc.), but I do not need so MUCH of it. I must have two dozen different grain products, between whole grains (rice, quinoa, barley, etc.), flour, hot cereals, pasta, etc. TOO MUCH. Simplify! Simplify, simplify, simplify, and then use up whatever's in the pantry, it is a SHAME how many expired cans I threw away in the course of packing away my groceries. OK, no more grocery shopping for a while, well unless I absolutely need something for Thanksgiving.
I'm going to have to get over the yuck factor. This first group was comprised of about 8 Ivy League grad students with their young professor, in town for a science conference. I think they were all men. They behaved themselves, they didn't burn the place down or like, mash potatoes into the living-room carpet or anything (I haven't found anything like that yet, anyway!). But they misunderstood about checking out at 10 AM, and when I got here at noon they were out but all their stuff was still here, clothes piled all over the pool table, pizza boxes on the kitchen counter, empty potato chip bag on the desk, shoes, laptops, ...... They didn't end up leaving until around 5 PM, so I didn't get the house cleaned up before moving back in myself. I still haven't taken a shower yet this morning, because I am just too grossed out. I have always thought of myself as something of a slob, not a great housekeeper, but I guess I do clean up after myself ... just, you know, toothpaste smears and ... toilets, and OK, I won't go there. Time to get up and work. Sorry to leave you on that note, but UGH.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Pro-Life and yet ... Pro-Obama
Abortion is the poster child of election issues for Catholic voters. Just like the ragged kid with the haunted eyes on the Save the Children posters, the all-out modern assault on the unborn tears at our emotions. We are sickened, angered, grieving, and humbled by our impotence to protect so many innocent lives.
I am just a little cautious about basing important decisions on such strong emotion. I think about all the Americans who voted for George W. Bush in 2004, even though many of them were very dissatisfied with his performance in his first term. Many people were motivated by the visceral fear and anger that had been stirred up on 9/11/2001, and that may have been magnified and exploited by the White House in order to motivate support for the administration and its policies. Many of the same people who let that strong emotion guide their decision now regret it. In the case of abortion, it's the guilt factor -- if you really cared about all those babies you'd vote GOP, no matter what!
It's not that I think we shouldn't take abortion into account in our voting decisions -- we absolutely should! It's just that I think we need to step back a little bit and try to look as objectively as we can at the concrete choice that confronts us. I feel a little bit as though the GOP has been telling us for years, "you're deathly ill so you need to let us bleed you! You need to take this magic elixir, because you're deathly ill!" We're deathly ill, all right. Our culture has become deadly hedonistic, utterly self-indulgent; sex on the first date is standard prime-time fare, and abortion IS used as birth control (take it from me, I've been out there single for a long time, this is something I know for a fact). But does voting GOP actually have any positive effect, or are they just pandering to our emotions and selling us snake oil? McCain's more anti-abortion than Obama, but he does not espouse a consistent respect for the unborn, either (supports embryonic stem-cell research).
And let's be clear, here. Obama is NOT the pro-life candidate, like a lot of my fellow lefty Catholics have tried to paint him, despite any fetal lives that may be saved by broader health care, and an expanded safety net in general. His comment about not wanting his daughters -- who have great health insurance and well-to-do parents -- to be "punished with a baby" if they should slip up in their sexual morals made it crystal clear. Given the chance, it seems that he will weaken any tiny margin of legal protection that the unborn have now.
But that's the crux of it, at least part of it: I am convinced that his or any other politician's impact on abortion is going to be very marginal, even if half of the Supreme Court were to turn over during the next 4 years. Reversing Roe vs. Wade would throw the question back to the states, and the fight there would be hot and ugly, and probably not very successful in very many places, and anyway how hard would it be to cross state lines for an abortion? Oh, a few lives would no doubt be saved, but the respite would be tenuous at best. The battle we have to fight is cultural, not legal. Legal restrictions on abortion will be meaningless, and probably unenforceable, unless they follow public opinion. We'd end up creating "martyrs" out of women with truly tough circumstances, and the whole attempt would backfire on us.
I recognize that Obama has terrific cultural appeal, as well, and unfortunately he may influence some young people in the wrong direction on this question. But again, so many people are already so far gone in the wrong direction, and so hardened in their positions, that I just don't think his impact, or McCain-Palin's, conversely, will be very great.
I've been a Democrat all my life, my family is all Democrat, probably all my friends are Democrats, nearly all my neighbors are Democrats (my county went for Kerry by something like 89%), and most of them are party-line pro-choice. Now, if you can radically lower the tone of the discussion ... maybe late in the evening, in a small close group, over the 3rd or 4th glass of wine ... thoughtful people will acknowledge that maybe the abortion-on-demand, no-questions-asked status quo goes a little too far. Maybe they would support banning late-term abortions, at least partial-birth abortions; maybe parental notification, with vigilance in case of abusive parents; certainly better informed-consent provisions (i.e., counseling of the mother). Maybe more, maybe they'd even support outlawing abortion except where the mother's life or health is really in danger. But they'd never admit any moderation in public! And they're really, really wary of that "slippery slope": they really don't want to give up their freedom, their autonomy.
And maybe they're right. Ultimately, God gives us free will, even though we misuse it daily. Ultimately, it's not about the brief suffering of the babies, it's about the everlasting fate of the perpetrators, the mothers and their doctors. It IS about choice, it is about conscience. No, I don't advocate abolishing laws. I totally advocate reversing Roe vs. Wade. I'm just saying that right now, today, until we can somehow restore the public's sense of horror about abortion, Roe vs. Wade is not the battle we need to be fighting. In fact, to reverse it now, as polarized as people are on this issue, would probably make it even harder to bring about the cultural change that will solidify pro-life laws, and really save lives.
You know, I read the Office of Readings every day. A lot of prophets. You know, before the exile to Babylon, one of the things the prophets condemned the people for was sacrificing their own children to a pagan god, Molech. What is amazing, though, is how little ink is spent on that particular horrific sin. Idolatry in general seems to be the number one issue, with child sacrifice and ritual prostitution being only the most outrageous manifestations of it. Social injustice, dishonest business dealings that impoverished others, covetousness and lack of charity, violence in general were all condemned. As horrendous, and as unequivocally condemned, as child sacrifice was, it was not singled out by the prophets among all the other sins of the people.
So ... Obama's attitude toward abortion is totally unacceptable. And yet, I am supporting him -- enthusiastically. I have the bumper sticker, I have the t-shirt. I get teary at the speeches. If I thought the next president would have more than a very marginal impact on the abortion craze, I would think twice about it. As it is, I pray for the heart-wrenching poster child, do my part to witness to the pro-life message among my friends and family, and then turn to what is really at stake in this election.
Other pro-life issues: Obama has worked effectively to save lives from capital punishment; and he opposed the war in Iraq, that was judged "unjust" by Pope John Paul II as well as our current Pope Benedict, then Cardinal Ratzinger. McCain is on the wrong side of those issues.
America's image internationally, her relationships with other countries. This one, not abortion, is the number-one issue for me. We've had 8 years with a shoot-em-up cowboy, a playground bully. We do NOT need to go from that to an angry old man with a pit bull for back up. McCain seems to be haunted by our loss in the Vietnam War -- he talks and talks about how we can't quit in Iraq before we've won, but what would "winning" look like? We did win as the goal was originally stated, we deposed Saddam Hussein, but we did it so thoughtlessly that we threw Iraq into bloody chaos. What is the new definition of "winning" there? We need to be responsible about how we get out, but part of it needs to be to internationalize the stabilizing forces that support and train the still-new government there to stand alone. After Bush flipped off the UN and any ally who wouldn't accede to his illegal, unjust war, they have been understandably unwilling to send their troops into harm's way to help clean up the mess. McCain was for the war from the beginning, I don't see the allies helping him out there, either. But with Obama, they might. He spoke out against the war along with the allies, in 2003; maybe in 2009 they will come along and help him to pick up the pieces of the country that crazy cowboy broke. Did you know that 200,000 people went out to see Barack Obama speak in Berlin? He is extraordinarily popular overseas. If America's allies could vote, Obama would win by a landslide. Update: What this guy said http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/23/opinion/23kristof.html
The economy. Of course, Obama's steadiness contrasts with McCain's erratic behavior. And on fundamental economic philosophy -- well, I never was a believer in the trickle-down approach. The gap between rich and poor has yawned wide open in recent years. Obama seems to be very rooted in social justice and the empowerment of marginalized communities and individuals. Poor working people can create jobs, too, if they can get a break -- there's just as much entrepreneurial spirit at the bottom as at the top, and and small, local businesses are in the aggregate (though not necessarily individually) a more stable and reliable base. Big business is not the be-all and end-all of "growing the economy", in fact it's a lot more likely to go chasing the bottom of the global markets for labor and other production inputs.
I was also never a big believer in rampant deregulation. I just don't have that much faith in the good intentions of the rich and powerful. Business has to be regulated; at the same time, regulations can't be so complicated, time-consuming and expensive to comply with that they create a serious lag on entrepreneurship. Obama has a record of consensus-building and creativity in crafting pragmatic solutions to real problems. A short record, granted, but his reputation both in academia and government is that of pragmatism and consensus-building. I wish I could cite the articles I've read to that effect, but I'm neither an academic nor a journalist, and I never think to keep track of that stuff. Sorry. Google it.
I have more faith in Obama's health-care plan than McCain's. He's "greener", more proactively supportive of clean, alternative energy -- Palin isn't even convinced humans are causing climate change. Oh yeah, Palin. The Couric interviews. Her ditsy performance generally. Comparing her years of experience with Obama's is just beside the point -- listen to them talk! Obama obviously understands the issues in depth. Palin obviously does not. Oh, she's a smart lady, I wouldn't call her a ditz if she were interviewing for some lesser job -- but well, doesn't McCain all of a sudden look a whole lot older? I mean, his age, his mortality, looms larger the more we see of his running mate. The thought of him in an ambulance and her all of a sudden at the helm ... oh no, no, no, no, no. No!
The way Obama has run his campaign is extremely impressive. Tons of volunteers all over the country, decentralized but perfectly coordinated, with a pragmatic strategy based on a perfect grasp of the convoluted electoral system. No, he hasn't been an executive, but this shows some serious executive talent.
There's something more, though, something indefinable. Obama really does inspire, he really does raise the level of discourse. It's as Ted Kennedy said, he makes us listen to "the angels of our better nature" (or something like that). Hope matters. Politics has been so dirty, so cynical and so untrusted, I guess ever since Watergate. We need someone to look up to. Someone who can lead, and make us want to follow. At least, I do, some of us do, some of us are tired of dirty politics and really want a change. You know, I am a Christian ... I believe in hope. Hope matters.
Obama/Biden '08
I am just a little cautious about basing important decisions on such strong emotion. I think about all the Americans who voted for George W. Bush in 2004, even though many of them were very dissatisfied with his performance in his first term. Many people were motivated by the visceral fear and anger that had been stirred up on 9/11/2001, and that may have been magnified and exploited by the White House in order to motivate support for the administration and its policies. Many of the same people who let that strong emotion guide their decision now regret it. In the case of abortion, it's the guilt factor -- if you really cared about all those babies you'd vote GOP, no matter what!
It's not that I think we shouldn't take abortion into account in our voting decisions -- we absolutely should! It's just that I think we need to step back a little bit and try to look as objectively as we can at the concrete choice that confronts us. I feel a little bit as though the GOP has been telling us for years, "you're deathly ill so you need to let us bleed you! You need to take this magic elixir, because you're deathly ill!" We're deathly ill, all right. Our culture has become deadly hedonistic, utterly self-indulgent; sex on the first date is standard prime-time fare, and abortion IS used as birth control (take it from me, I've been out there single for a long time, this is something I know for a fact). But does voting GOP actually have any positive effect, or are they just pandering to our emotions and selling us snake oil? McCain's more anti-abortion than Obama, but he does not espouse a consistent respect for the unborn, either (supports embryonic stem-cell research).
And let's be clear, here. Obama is NOT the pro-life candidate, like a lot of my fellow lefty Catholics have tried to paint him, despite any fetal lives that may be saved by broader health care, and an expanded safety net in general. His comment about not wanting his daughters -- who have great health insurance and well-to-do parents -- to be "punished with a baby" if they should slip up in their sexual morals made it crystal clear. Given the chance, it seems that he will weaken any tiny margin of legal protection that the unborn have now.
But that's the crux of it, at least part of it: I am convinced that his or any other politician's impact on abortion is going to be very marginal, even if half of the Supreme Court were to turn over during the next 4 years. Reversing Roe vs. Wade would throw the question back to the states, and the fight there would be hot and ugly, and probably not very successful in very many places, and anyway how hard would it be to cross state lines for an abortion? Oh, a few lives would no doubt be saved, but the respite would be tenuous at best. The battle we have to fight is cultural, not legal. Legal restrictions on abortion will be meaningless, and probably unenforceable, unless they follow public opinion. We'd end up creating "martyrs" out of women with truly tough circumstances, and the whole attempt would backfire on us.
I recognize that Obama has terrific cultural appeal, as well, and unfortunately he may influence some young people in the wrong direction on this question. But again, so many people are already so far gone in the wrong direction, and so hardened in their positions, that I just don't think his impact, or McCain-Palin's, conversely, will be very great.
I've been a Democrat all my life, my family is all Democrat, probably all my friends are Democrats, nearly all my neighbors are Democrats (my county went for Kerry by something like 89%), and most of them are party-line pro-choice. Now, if you can radically lower the tone of the discussion ... maybe late in the evening, in a small close group, over the 3rd or 4th glass of wine ... thoughtful people will acknowledge that maybe the abortion-on-demand, no-questions-asked status quo goes a little too far. Maybe they would support banning late-term abortions, at least partial-birth abortions; maybe parental notification, with vigilance in case of abusive parents; certainly better informed-consent provisions (i.e., counseling of the mother). Maybe more, maybe they'd even support outlawing abortion except where the mother's life or health is really in danger. But they'd never admit any moderation in public! And they're really, really wary of that "slippery slope": they really don't want to give up their freedom, their autonomy.
And maybe they're right. Ultimately, God gives us free will, even though we misuse it daily. Ultimately, it's not about the brief suffering of the babies, it's about the everlasting fate of the perpetrators, the mothers and their doctors. It IS about choice, it is about conscience. No, I don't advocate abolishing laws. I totally advocate reversing Roe vs. Wade. I'm just saying that right now, today, until we can somehow restore the public's sense of horror about abortion, Roe vs. Wade is not the battle we need to be fighting. In fact, to reverse it now, as polarized as people are on this issue, would probably make it even harder to bring about the cultural change that will solidify pro-life laws, and really save lives.
You know, I read the Office of Readings every day. A lot of prophets. You know, before the exile to Babylon, one of the things the prophets condemned the people for was sacrificing their own children to a pagan god, Molech. What is amazing, though, is how little ink is spent on that particular horrific sin. Idolatry in general seems to be the number one issue, with child sacrifice and ritual prostitution being only the most outrageous manifestations of it. Social injustice, dishonest business dealings that impoverished others, covetousness and lack of charity, violence in general were all condemned. As horrendous, and as unequivocally condemned, as child sacrifice was, it was not singled out by the prophets among all the other sins of the people.
So ... Obama's attitude toward abortion is totally unacceptable. And yet, I am supporting him -- enthusiastically. I have the bumper sticker, I have the t-shirt. I get teary at the speeches. If I thought the next president would have more than a very marginal impact on the abortion craze, I would think twice about it. As it is, I pray for the heart-wrenching poster child, do my part to witness to the pro-life message among my friends and family, and then turn to what is really at stake in this election.
Other pro-life issues: Obama has worked effectively to save lives from capital punishment; and he opposed the war in Iraq, that was judged "unjust" by Pope John Paul II as well as our current Pope Benedict, then Cardinal Ratzinger. McCain is on the wrong side of those issues.
America's image internationally, her relationships with other countries. This one, not abortion, is the number-one issue for me. We've had 8 years with a shoot-em-up cowboy, a playground bully. We do NOT need to go from that to an angry old man with a pit bull for back up. McCain seems to be haunted by our loss in the Vietnam War -- he talks and talks about how we can't quit in Iraq before we've won, but what would "winning" look like? We did win as the goal was originally stated, we deposed Saddam Hussein, but we did it so thoughtlessly that we threw Iraq into bloody chaos. What is the new definition of "winning" there? We need to be responsible about how we get out, but part of it needs to be to internationalize the stabilizing forces that support and train the still-new government there to stand alone. After Bush flipped off the UN and any ally who wouldn't accede to his illegal, unjust war, they have been understandably unwilling to send their troops into harm's way to help clean up the mess. McCain was for the war from the beginning, I don't see the allies helping him out there, either. But with Obama, they might. He spoke out against the war along with the allies, in 2003; maybe in 2009 they will come along and help him to pick up the pieces of the country that crazy cowboy broke. Did you know that 200,000 people went out to see Barack Obama speak in Berlin? He is extraordinarily popular overseas. If America's allies could vote, Obama would win by a landslide. Update: What this guy said http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/23/opinion/23kristof.html
The economy. Of course, Obama's steadiness contrasts with McCain's erratic behavior. And on fundamental economic philosophy -- well, I never was a believer in the trickle-down approach. The gap between rich and poor has yawned wide open in recent years. Obama seems to be very rooted in social justice and the empowerment of marginalized communities and individuals. Poor working people can create jobs, too, if they can get a break -- there's just as much entrepreneurial spirit at the bottom as at the top, and and small, local businesses are in the aggregate (though not necessarily individually) a more stable and reliable base. Big business is not the be-all and end-all of "growing the economy", in fact it's a lot more likely to go chasing the bottom of the global markets for labor and other production inputs.
I was also never a big believer in rampant deregulation. I just don't have that much faith in the good intentions of the rich and powerful. Business has to be regulated; at the same time, regulations can't be so complicated, time-consuming and expensive to comply with that they create a serious lag on entrepreneurship. Obama has a record of consensus-building and creativity in crafting pragmatic solutions to real problems. A short record, granted, but his reputation both in academia and government is that of pragmatism and consensus-building. I wish I could cite the articles I've read to that effect, but I'm neither an academic nor a journalist, and I never think to keep track of that stuff. Sorry. Google it.
I have more faith in Obama's health-care plan than McCain's. He's "greener", more proactively supportive of clean, alternative energy -- Palin isn't even convinced humans are causing climate change. Oh yeah, Palin. The Couric interviews. Her ditsy performance generally. Comparing her years of experience with Obama's is just beside the point -- listen to them talk! Obama obviously understands the issues in depth. Palin obviously does not. Oh, she's a smart lady, I wouldn't call her a ditz if she were interviewing for some lesser job -- but well, doesn't McCain all of a sudden look a whole lot older? I mean, his age, his mortality, looms larger the more we see of his running mate. The thought of him in an ambulance and her all of a sudden at the helm ... oh no, no, no, no, no. No!
The way Obama has run his campaign is extremely impressive. Tons of volunteers all over the country, decentralized but perfectly coordinated, with a pragmatic strategy based on a perfect grasp of the convoluted electoral system. No, he hasn't been an executive, but this shows some serious executive talent.
There's something more, though, something indefinable. Obama really does inspire, he really does raise the level of discourse. It's as Ted Kennedy said, he makes us listen to "the angels of our better nature" (or something like that). Hope matters. Politics has been so dirty, so cynical and so untrusted, I guess ever since Watergate. We need someone to look up to. Someone who can lead, and make us want to follow. At least, I do, some of us do, some of us are tired of dirty politics and really want a change. You know, I am a Christian ... I believe in hope. Hope matters.
Obama/Biden '08
Monday, October 13, 2008
LOVE
Today was a very good day.
Mondays I spend the morning at a hospice run by some very nice young nuns (I think it's their novitiate, actually). I've been struggling with it a bit. I wanted to volunteer to Bring Love and Hope to the Dying!!! To Share my Compassion and Empathy with the Suffering!!! You know, those lofty ideals. But what I am asked to do is to sweep and mop and make beds and hang laundry.
Well, once I had been there a couple of times, it dawned on me that these ladies are subjected to different random volunteers every day of the week, and half of us probably want to Love Them As We Love Ourselves. What, they're supposed to bare their hearts and cry on our shoulders just because we want to offer our shoulders to someone, any random suffering soul, to cry on? Uhhhh... maybe not. There IS time and opportunity, for a few minutes here and there, to sit and chat with one or another of the residents, but -- well, you know, they are grown, dignified women whose dignity is seriously under siege. Some space, please! Yes, it has occurred to me that perhaps after they have gotten used to me, seen me show up regularly to sweep and mop and smile and remember their names, not pushing myself on them, eventually I might become someone to whom they feel comfortable turning when they get down about their situation. Meanwhile, I mop.
And today I got 3 spontaneous hugs! This is out of about 11 or 12 women. 3 hugs! Wow! Even crusty J was congenial, and even A was polite! The first time I met A, she gave me the evil eye and told me to Go Away. Today she was perfectly respectful :-D
I also got told explicitly by a couple of them that they are very happy to be living there. Oh, the first few times I visited, it just seemed awful! They are told what to do and when to do it, what they are allowed to eat, when they have to get up out of bed in the mornings, there is even a dress code (no shorts or tank tops, same applies to the volunteers). You know, I'm not really good at obedience. I'm open to poverty, and chastity's not bothering me these days, but Obedience ... shudder. That's the big scary one. (I think I'm called to be a hermit, but I will not be surprised if God makes me face up to obedience of these days anyway! I hope not). But last week I realized that the residents are just like nuns themselves, living poverty, chastity, and obedience, and a life in community. In a religious house, in a religious context - e.g. they pray the rosary together every morning between breakfast and lunch. And although they are sick and all alone in the world, and maybe their options are limited, they do have the choice to stay or leave, none of them have been involuntary committed by family or anything like that. One of them did leave, over the weekend, and that's how it came up that G told me "they'd have to pry my fingers off the door jamb to get me to leave." Huh. I do live and learn.
Another thing went well today. One of the things that has bothered me about the place is that these perky young novices seem, in my middle-aged opinion, sometimes to fail to respect the dignity of the old, sick and disabled bodies. More than once I have walked past a door -- or even been told to go in and start sweeping a room -- where one of the ladies is having her diaper changed or is otherwise indecently exposed. I think perhaps some young women don't see very old women's bodies anymore as women's bodies -- but from the inside, well I betcha that old woman still feels the same shame at being caught with her skirts up. Last Monday I said something to one of the young sisters about it, and this morning she asked me and another volunteer (a teenage girl) to please leave the room while she washed one of the residents. I was so happy and proud! Oh, I hope she took it to heart, and does the same Tuesday - Sunday when I'm not there.
I didn't want to go this morning. But I do want to go next Monday! A very blessed day.
Mondays I spend the morning at a hospice run by some very nice young nuns (I think it's their novitiate, actually). I've been struggling with it a bit. I wanted to volunteer to Bring Love and Hope to the Dying!!! To Share my Compassion and Empathy with the Suffering!!! You know, those lofty ideals. But what I am asked to do is to sweep and mop and make beds and hang laundry.
Well, once I had been there a couple of times, it dawned on me that these ladies are subjected to different random volunteers every day of the week, and half of us probably want to Love Them As We Love Ourselves. What, they're supposed to bare their hearts and cry on our shoulders just because we want to offer our shoulders to someone, any random suffering soul, to cry on? Uhhhh... maybe not. There IS time and opportunity, for a few minutes here and there, to sit and chat with one or another of the residents, but -- well, you know, they are grown, dignified women whose dignity is seriously under siege. Some space, please! Yes, it has occurred to me that perhaps after they have gotten used to me, seen me show up regularly to sweep and mop and smile and remember their names, not pushing myself on them, eventually I might become someone to whom they feel comfortable turning when they get down about their situation. Meanwhile, I mop.
And today I got 3 spontaneous hugs! This is out of about 11 or 12 women. 3 hugs! Wow! Even crusty J was congenial, and even A was polite! The first time I met A, she gave me the evil eye and told me to Go Away. Today she was perfectly respectful :-D
I also got told explicitly by a couple of them that they are very happy to be living there. Oh, the first few times I visited, it just seemed awful! They are told what to do and when to do it, what they are allowed to eat, when they have to get up out of bed in the mornings, there is even a dress code (no shorts or tank tops, same applies to the volunteers). You know, I'm not really good at obedience. I'm open to poverty, and chastity's not bothering me these days, but Obedience ... shudder. That's the big scary one. (I think I'm called to be a hermit, but I will not be surprised if God makes me face up to obedience of these days anyway! I hope not). But last week I realized that the residents are just like nuns themselves, living poverty, chastity, and obedience, and a life in community. In a religious house, in a religious context - e.g. they pray the rosary together every morning between breakfast and lunch. And although they are sick and all alone in the world, and maybe their options are limited, they do have the choice to stay or leave, none of them have been involuntary committed by family or anything like that. One of them did leave, over the weekend, and that's how it came up that G told me "they'd have to pry my fingers off the door jamb to get me to leave." Huh. I do live and learn.
Another thing went well today. One of the things that has bothered me about the place is that these perky young novices seem, in my middle-aged opinion, sometimes to fail to respect the dignity of the old, sick and disabled bodies. More than once I have walked past a door -- or even been told to go in and start sweeping a room -- where one of the ladies is having her diaper changed or is otherwise indecently exposed. I think perhaps some young women don't see very old women's bodies anymore as women's bodies -- but from the inside, well I betcha that old woman still feels the same shame at being caught with her skirts up. Last Monday I said something to one of the young sisters about it, and this morning she asked me and another volunteer (a teenage girl) to please leave the room while she washed one of the residents. I was so happy and proud! Oh, I hope she took it to heart, and does the same Tuesday - Sunday when I'm not there.
I didn't want to go this morning. But I do want to go next Monday! A very blessed day.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Discernment: the Wild Ride
I've been reading back through this blog, and I just have to laugh. This discernment process has been up and down and around in circles! OK, so there are some essentials that have not changed: I want to live a life consecrated to God, dedicated to God, dependent on God. I want to live stability, conversatio mora, poverty and chastity. Obedience, not so much, LOL -- no, really, obedience to God as He speaks in my heart, absolutely.
But the particulars? The path? Ay, ay, ay. I'm sitting here sipping a glass of wine -- thankfully I haven't had any violently upset stomach since the one that drove me to all of about 3 or 4 AA meetings a couple of months ago. Who knows what made me sick. I said I would go to 30 meetings, but I didn't ... I just wasn't there, ya know? Anyway, I don't think I'm an alcoholic, even though I should quit drinking because of poverty, and fasting, and fattening, and depressing, and etc, and I haven't actually quit drinking. I don't think I am an alcoholic, I just think I am undisciplined and self-indulgent. I went to the wine store today to buy wine for my cousin's party, and while I was there I grabbed a big handful of Smarties candies. Ate them all -- must have been 20 rolls -- one after the other, on my way to the party. Oh, Regina! I have the AA insanity, it's just not particularly tied to alcohol.
Well, and going back to how convinced I was that I would enter the convent, this time last year. That slipped away, even before I found out about Canon 603, that was just a happy reinforcement of the lifestyle I was already feeling my way towards.
And I haven't done that whole deep memory-dredging about my 20+ year-old sexual history. My spiritual director wasn't too enthusiastic about the idea, for one thing. And then I lost enthusiasm, too. Maybe I chickened out, took the easy way. Or maybe it was just emotion stirred up by a dream, and I took it too literally? Who knows.
In every case, a seed has been planted. I am not just zig-zagging, I'm circling. I come back to poverty & fasting over and over; the same with penance, and virtue, the same with sloth vs. holy leisure, the same with society vs. solitude. None of these "false starts" are really dead ends. None of them are even false starts! I get frustrated with myself because I make a commitment and then turn back on it (like 30 AA meetings). But then I think, maybe I am too glib about making commitments, given how my whole life, my vocation and my whole definition of myself is in flux these days. Take it easy, girl! All in God's time, all in God's way, no rushing, no pushing. Let it be, let it happen, let it unfold.
Ya -- it's past my bed time. Watch over me, Lord, I am in your hands.
But the particulars? The path? Ay, ay, ay. I'm sitting here sipping a glass of wine -- thankfully I haven't had any violently upset stomach since the one that drove me to all of about 3 or 4 AA meetings a couple of months ago. Who knows what made me sick. I said I would go to 30 meetings, but I didn't ... I just wasn't there, ya know? Anyway, I don't think I'm an alcoholic, even though I should quit drinking because of poverty, and fasting, and fattening, and depressing, and etc, and I haven't actually quit drinking. I don't think I am an alcoholic, I just think I am undisciplined and self-indulgent. I went to the wine store today to buy wine for my cousin's party, and while I was there I grabbed a big handful of Smarties candies. Ate them all -- must have been 20 rolls -- one after the other, on my way to the party. Oh, Regina! I have the AA insanity, it's just not particularly tied to alcohol.
Well, and going back to how convinced I was that I would enter the convent, this time last year. That slipped away, even before I found out about Canon 603, that was just a happy reinforcement of the lifestyle I was already feeling my way towards.
And I haven't done that whole deep memory-dredging about my 20+ year-old sexual history. My spiritual director wasn't too enthusiastic about the idea, for one thing. And then I lost enthusiasm, too. Maybe I chickened out, took the easy way. Or maybe it was just emotion stirred up by a dream, and I took it too literally? Who knows.
In every case, a seed has been planted. I am not just zig-zagging, I'm circling. I come back to poverty & fasting over and over; the same with penance, and virtue, the same with sloth vs. holy leisure, the same with society vs. solitude. None of these "false starts" are really dead ends. None of them are even false starts! I get frustrated with myself because I make a commitment and then turn back on it (like 30 AA meetings). But then I think, maybe I am too glib about making commitments, given how my whole life, my vocation and my whole definition of myself is in flux these days. Take it easy, girl! All in God's time, all in God's way, no rushing, no pushing. Let it be, let it happen, let it unfold.
Ya -- it's past my bed time. Watch over me, Lord, I am in your hands.
Not enough solitude & silence
..... how to protect my private time? I keep thinking, "when I get out of town", when I get out into the country it will be different. But if I am to make any pretense at living as a hermit, I need to make some choices myself. I need to turn things down, even invitations to do good things with good people, family, community, even church. The new Chant Schola rehearses this morning. I want to learn more about chant ... I love to sing! ... I am the best and strongest singer in the group, and honestly, if it is to be a 4-part choir they really need me. But it rehearses every Saturday morning for an hour. No! Too much! I want to be nesting, building my nest. I want to go to the nursery and pick up some shrubs for the front border. I want to cook. I want to clean the chicken coop. I want to pack up the contents of the furniture that needs to be moved in order to furnish the rooms for paying guests, that will enable me to finally get out of town.
But this afternoon I am going to my cousin's housewarming party. This is a 3rd cousin, not a very close relative, but I very much value strong ties with the whole extended clan and it would be difficult to break that habit. And last night, there was a get-together of the "Ladies Auxiliary" (this is a purely social group) -- great community-building opportunity! Wonderful gals, it's the first time I've ever had really comfortable friendships with women, and I like it ... OK, last night there was a little too much talk about pregnancy and childbirth for this celibate to relate to, but there was enough other to be enjoyable.
Up until now I have thought of retreating into a hermitage as being a sweet indulgence for my introverted self. Going to work every day, in a very sociable office, was torment -- even having a private office I could shut the door to, not a cubicle like my poor mom has to work in. When I get out of town on occasion, away from the traffic and being constantly surrounded by people for a while, I can feel the stress fall away immediately.
But I am starting to see that if I am going to be a hermit, there will be some sacrifices. Some of the withdrawal will be painful, it won't all be sweet. I don't hate people, I just love solitude. There are times I enjoy being with folks, but as good as it can be, it pulls me away from the rhythm of the "cloister", and I feel thrown off. It's OK, all I really need is God, I know I can live with Him alone ... but it is going to be a learning process, an adjustment.
Meanwhile, I have a lot of work to do to outfit the house for renters, so I can get out of town once and for all. Good Lord, bless my hands, illuminate my mind with the next right thing to be done, and protect me from confusing your direction with the lures of the world or my own selfish will. Amen.
R.T.
But this afternoon I am going to my cousin's housewarming party. This is a 3rd cousin, not a very close relative, but I very much value strong ties with the whole extended clan and it would be difficult to break that habit. And last night, there was a get-together of the "Ladies Auxiliary" (this is a purely social group) -- great community-building opportunity! Wonderful gals, it's the first time I've ever had really comfortable friendships with women, and I like it ... OK, last night there was a little too much talk about pregnancy and childbirth for this celibate to relate to, but there was enough other to be enjoyable.
Up until now I have thought of retreating into a hermitage as being a sweet indulgence for my introverted self. Going to work every day, in a very sociable office, was torment -- even having a private office I could shut the door to, not a cubicle like my poor mom has to work in. When I get out of town on occasion, away from the traffic and being constantly surrounded by people for a while, I can feel the stress fall away immediately.
But I am starting to see that if I am going to be a hermit, there will be some sacrifices. Some of the withdrawal will be painful, it won't all be sweet. I don't hate people, I just love solitude. There are times I enjoy being with folks, but as good as it can be, it pulls me away from the rhythm of the "cloister", and I feel thrown off. It's OK, all I really need is God, I know I can live with Him alone ... but it is going to be a learning process, an adjustment.
Meanwhile, I have a lot of work to do to outfit the house for renters, so I can get out of town once and for all. Good Lord, bless my hands, illuminate my mind with the next right thing to be done, and protect me from confusing your direction with the lures of the world or my own selfish will. Amen.
R.T.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
"Yield Not to Temptation"
Yield not to temptation, for yielding is sinI have been practicing piano by playing hymns, and I came across this one. I thought, how quaint! but faintly embarrassing! Gosh darn it, when did it get to be embarrassing to resist temptation, and strive to live a virtuous life? Ugh, I am so much a part of this cynical, self-indulgent, "me first" generation. Well ... doggone it, I am going to claim this hymn as my anthem. Sing it loud, sing it proud. I'll be a Christian yet! At least, with the grace of God, I can be a better one than I am now. Amen.
Each vict'ry will help you some other to win.
Move hopefully onward, dark passions subdue
Look ever to Jesus, He'll carry you through.
Ask the Savior to help you, Comfort, strengthen and keep you.
He is willing to aid you, He will carry you through.
Shun evil companions, bad language disdain,
God's name hold in rev'rence, nor take it in vain.
Be thoughtful and earnest, kind-hearted and true.
Look ever to Jesus, He'll carry you through.
To those that o'ercometh God giveth a crown.
Thro' faith we will conquer, tho' often cast down.
He who is our Savior, our strength will renew.
Look ever to Jesus, He'll carry you through.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
HORARIUM
I am having a great time lately working on an horarium. That's Latin for schedule ... I could just say it in English, but then it wouldn't have that monastic flavor! I'm not just developing a schedule, I'm developing an horarium, a tool for ordering my day so that everything I do tends towards God.
I downloaded a sweet monastery bell ringtone, and plugged the Liturgy of the Hours into my cellphone. I rise at the first bell, 5:30 A.M., usually having been awake a bit earlier to quietly order my thoughts and ask God to direct my day. I get up, shower and dress and make the bed, then pray the Office of Readings. Throughout the day the bell ringing calls me back on track, to the Office and then to some productive work, from whatever I've gotten distracted with (usually something involving the computer!).
OK, so that's about as far as I've gotten. Trying to work out the best times for house and garden work, walking to the lake (which covers exercise + contemplation), errands, reading & writing, etc. But it's interesting and feels fruitful, like my life will actually be better the more I get this structure worked out.
Blessings
Regina Terrae
I downloaded a sweet monastery bell ringtone, and plugged the Liturgy of the Hours into my cellphone. I rise at the first bell, 5:30 A.M., usually having been awake a bit earlier to quietly order my thoughts and ask God to direct my day. I get up, shower and dress and make the bed, then pray the Office of Readings. Throughout the day the bell ringing calls me back on track, to the Office and then to some productive work, from whatever I've gotten distracted with (usually something involving the computer!).
OK, so that's about as far as I've gotten. Trying to work out the best times for house and garden work, walking to the lake (which covers exercise + contemplation), errands, reading & writing, etc. But it's interesting and feels fruitful, like my life will actually be better the more I get this structure worked out.
Blessings
Regina Terrae
Friday, September 19, 2008
Memories, or 4th stepping
I woke up this morning from a bad dream. I never remember my dreams, and this one left me with just one parting image: a young woman exposed in a public place, defenseless, degraded and vulnerable to rape. And sort of oblivious, on the surface, numb, like I was as a teenager.
I stayed in bed another half hour or so to reflect on the emotions the dream had stirred up, to place my heart in God's hands and His healing. Then I got up, washed and dressed, and went to the chapel for the Office of Readings. Ezekiel, Chapter 16. The image of Israel, the bride of God, turned harlot. My bible's footnotes pointed out that ritual prostitution was one of the features of the pagan religion the Israelites had strayed into -- along with child sacrifice. So the graphic imagery was not only figurative, but literal. Coming after that dream image, it was disturbing.
It's time to delve into my past. The rape, the twisted, painful, fearful sexual and emotional interactions with men, starting with adolescence, focusing there, perhaps, but not ending there. Of course, I will not be dredging up these memories on the blog!! Anonymous or not, this stuff doesn't go online.
I developed some effective defense mechanisms to keep me safe from the kind of violation I suffered back then, but evidently I am not healed. It's been a long time. This has implications for my religious vocation, of course. I know it's not normal to have next to no sex drive, but I've just taken it at face value, appreciating it as a grace God has given me to embrace chastity easily, at least, even if poverty is a lot harder and obedience just seems totally beyond me. One out of three's not bad, I think.
It's been almost 20 years since I realized that the fear was gone, the acute sexual fear I had carried around since ... I don't know, exactly, when, or what incident started it, or if it was cumulative. I thought I had healed -- and of course, I had healed, just not all. T tells me I have crazy barriers, not just nice healthy boundaries, but lead-lined walls that suddenly come slamming up out of nowhere. I guess I didn't totally resolve the sources of the fear -- I did, in part, but I guess it was too much, partly I just built some high massive defenses to be safe behind.
This is the time to dig ... I am safe, I have time and solitude and silence, I don't have to show up and be professional and cheerful and responsible to anyone. My relationship with God is relatively good, compared to past years, I feel fairly secure with Him. But then T won't let me alone so much to let me slip into depression, either. He is the most gentle, loving friend I've ever known, and I can trust him like nobody. I might even do the 5th step with him. Maybe. I will let God show me the right person when that time comes. I can melt down, now, rock and re-mother my poor inner child, my poor traumatized inner teenager. Whatever it takes me to get through this. One of those concepts I remember from some 12-step group from way back when: the only way to heal is to go through the pain, you can't go around it, over it or under it, and you can't turn back or go another way. The pain won't stop controlling your life until you go through it to the other side. Pain, or fear or any other negative emotion, suppressed still wreaks its havoc. This has been pretty deeply suppressed -- I resolved a lot, too, 20 years ago, but obviously not 100% -- I never think about the old, painful memories, but they are affecting my life in ways that I suspect will surprise me before it's over and done with.
For one thing ... it's not just trauma, not just what happened to me. Just like PTSD in a soldier, who has to come to terms with the psychology and emotion of killing, as well as of being targeted for killing. I was complicit in my own abuse, and I have violated myself, and others, too. Yeah, I know, that "blaming the victim" line raises red flags for me, too -- don't worry, my complicity doesn't let the rapist off the hook. But Al-Anon taught me to clean up my side of the street, and really, there's enough here to focus on.
Again, I won't be journalling these old memories here, on the blog. This goes in the paper journal. But please, hold me in your prayers.
Regina Terrae
I stayed in bed another half hour or so to reflect on the emotions the dream had stirred up, to place my heart in God's hands and His healing. Then I got up, washed and dressed, and went to the chapel for the Office of Readings. Ezekiel, Chapter 16. The image of Israel, the bride of God, turned harlot. My bible's footnotes pointed out that ritual prostitution was one of the features of the pagan religion the Israelites had strayed into -- along with child sacrifice. So the graphic imagery was not only figurative, but literal. Coming after that dream image, it was disturbing.
It's time to delve into my past. The rape, the twisted, painful, fearful sexual and emotional interactions with men, starting with adolescence, focusing there, perhaps, but not ending there. Of course, I will not be dredging up these memories on the blog!! Anonymous or not, this stuff doesn't go online.
I developed some effective defense mechanisms to keep me safe from the kind of violation I suffered back then, but evidently I am not healed. It's been a long time. This has implications for my religious vocation, of course. I know it's not normal to have next to no sex drive, but I've just taken it at face value, appreciating it as a grace God has given me to embrace chastity easily, at least, even if poverty is a lot harder and obedience just seems totally beyond me. One out of three's not bad, I think.
It's been almost 20 years since I realized that the fear was gone, the acute sexual fear I had carried around since ... I don't know, exactly, when, or what incident started it, or if it was cumulative. I thought I had healed -- and of course, I had healed, just not all. T tells me I have crazy barriers, not just nice healthy boundaries, but lead-lined walls that suddenly come slamming up out of nowhere. I guess I didn't totally resolve the sources of the fear -- I did, in part, but I guess it was too much, partly I just built some high massive defenses to be safe behind.
This is the time to dig ... I am safe, I have time and solitude and silence, I don't have to show up and be professional and cheerful and responsible to anyone. My relationship with God is relatively good, compared to past years, I feel fairly secure with Him. But then T won't let me alone so much to let me slip into depression, either. He is the most gentle, loving friend I've ever known, and I can trust him like nobody. I might even do the 5th step with him. Maybe. I will let God show me the right person when that time comes. I can melt down, now, rock and re-mother my poor inner child, my poor traumatized inner teenager. Whatever it takes me to get through this. One of those concepts I remember from some 12-step group from way back when: the only way to heal is to go through the pain, you can't go around it, over it or under it, and you can't turn back or go another way. The pain won't stop controlling your life until you go through it to the other side. Pain, or fear or any other negative emotion, suppressed still wreaks its havoc. This has been pretty deeply suppressed -- I resolved a lot, too, 20 years ago, but obviously not 100% -- I never think about the old, painful memories, but they are affecting my life in ways that I suspect will surprise me before it's over and done with.
For one thing ... it's not just trauma, not just what happened to me. Just like PTSD in a soldier, who has to come to terms with the psychology and emotion of killing, as well as of being targeted for killing. I was complicit in my own abuse, and I have violated myself, and others, too. Yeah, I know, that "blaming the victim" line raises red flags for me, too -- don't worry, my complicity doesn't let the rapist off the hook. But Al-Anon taught me to clean up my side of the street, and really, there's enough here to focus on.
Again, I won't be journalling these old memories here, on the blog. This goes in the paper journal. But please, hold me in your prayers.
Regina Terrae
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
GRATITUDE
In the last couple of days I have run into two people from my old job. I left the job a year ago, and until now I'd never met anyone from there by chance, there are just a couple of people I've kept in touch with deliberately. Talking with these two has reminded me how incredibly blessed I am to have been lifted out of that environment. One man came in late to church on Sunday and sat next to me. He had come to the Abbey because the newest postulant is a friend of his. He didn't recognize me -- we worked in different departments. We talked ... he told me things are awful there, extremely stressful, people feel as if upper management does not have any strategic vision or direction for the organization, they are expected to work much longer hours than they used to, supervisory relationships are poorly defined causing stress to both managers and line staff. Ugh ... the atmosphere when I left was terribly stressful. The restructuring was very badly managed, announced and then drawn out and studied for too long with everyone waiting for that shoe to drop, and then suddenly implemented all in a rush, no sequencing of the changes, no change management.
Yesterday as I walked around the lake I met another ex colleague, a guy who works in building facilities. His job hasn't been affected so much by the reorganization, other than the short-term crisis when everyone in the place had to move to new offices on the same day. But he told me that a dear colleague had been on a medical leave of absence since shortly after I left ... something stress-related, he thought. That's a shock -- she's a young woman, always seemed healthy -- well, certainly no more immune to the stress of the place than anyone else, but that's a long time to be on leave. I am going to look her up and try to get in touch.
I'd hated that job for years and years, long before the new president took over. I hated that job. But I felt so trapped. Stress does terrible things to a person. It paralyzed me, made me incapable of taking the steps I needed to take to clear my debts, save money, reduce expenses, and step out of the golden cage. That's what we called it, a golden cage. Generous pay and benefits, generous retirement, and ... somehow more than that. It was insulated, somehow. Jobs were very secure, it was very hard to be fired. Of course, for the international employees here at HQ, there was also the visa issue ... they couldn't just leave and take a job anywhere else, the visa was only valid to work in international organizations, and meanwhile they had houses, and spouses with jobs here, and kids in school. I could not even imagine leaving the corporate lifestyle, the conventional urban-office-slave way of life ... one of the reasons I never tried to leave is because I didn't know where to go. I had an e-mail subscription to Dilbert, to remind me that any other job would be just as bad. And it would have been just as bad in any other job of that kind.
I was so unhappy in that job, for so many years, yet I couldn't take the step to leave it. It was purely a gift from God ... the buyout offer that gave me the financial cushion, and at the same time discovering the Abbey of Regina Laudis, a secure and attractive goal that gave me the courage to leave the secure cage. I paid my debts with the buyout payment, all except for the mortgage on my house, and I am still (for one more year) depending partly on the residual income. I will have a small pension and, more importantly, health insurance starting at age 55. But still, a year ago, the prospect of making it on my own until 55 was terrifying. But once I was out of that miserable environment, it was only a matter of months before I found the peace and faith to let go of the security of a future in the convent.
Everything has changed since I left! I am so peaceful.... I know that my income is less than my expenses, today, and I am gradually depleting the last of the lump-sum payment I received from my contract. I'm not stressed out about it, though. This is all a process. I have given myself, my life, to God. I have invited God to transform me however He will. He is changing me, sure enough, and life just keeps getting better and better. The money, balancing books, will come in time. I am sure that learning to manage my income and expenses, peacefully and confidently, is one of the lessons to come. For now, I am learning to make my bed every morning, and gradually keep a cleaner and neater home; to spend time every day praying and contemplating; to spend less by wasting less (food!); the importance of walking by the lake as often as possible; and how to play the piano...... I am discovering my self, and my God, and the world around me that I was too stressed to see before. Life is amazingly good now. I am humbled, because I didn't make this happen, not in any way. I did not set myself a goal and take steps to get free of that miserable lifestyle. God just lifted me up, all of a sudden one day, at no particular time, just ... the right time, I guess, in His scheme of things. Just lifted me up and set me down in a new, sweet place. I will never, ever go back -- God willing!!
Yesterday as I walked around the lake I met another ex colleague, a guy who works in building facilities. His job hasn't been affected so much by the reorganization, other than the short-term crisis when everyone in the place had to move to new offices on the same day. But he told me that a dear colleague had been on a medical leave of absence since shortly after I left ... something stress-related, he thought. That's a shock -- she's a young woman, always seemed healthy -- well, certainly no more immune to the stress of the place than anyone else, but that's a long time to be on leave. I am going to look her up and try to get in touch.
I'd hated that job for years and years, long before the new president took over. I hated that job. But I felt so trapped. Stress does terrible things to a person. It paralyzed me, made me incapable of taking the steps I needed to take to clear my debts, save money, reduce expenses, and step out of the golden cage. That's what we called it, a golden cage. Generous pay and benefits, generous retirement, and ... somehow more than that. It was insulated, somehow. Jobs were very secure, it was very hard to be fired. Of course, for the international employees here at HQ, there was also the visa issue ... they couldn't just leave and take a job anywhere else, the visa was only valid to work in international organizations, and meanwhile they had houses, and spouses with jobs here, and kids in school. I could not even imagine leaving the corporate lifestyle, the conventional urban-office-slave way of life ... one of the reasons I never tried to leave is because I didn't know where to go. I had an e-mail subscription to Dilbert, to remind me that any other job would be just as bad. And it would have been just as bad in any other job of that kind.
I was so unhappy in that job, for so many years, yet I couldn't take the step to leave it. It was purely a gift from God ... the buyout offer that gave me the financial cushion, and at the same time discovering the Abbey of Regina Laudis, a secure and attractive goal that gave me the courage to leave the secure cage. I paid my debts with the buyout payment, all except for the mortgage on my house, and I am still (for one more year) depending partly on the residual income. I will have a small pension and, more importantly, health insurance starting at age 55. But still, a year ago, the prospect of making it on my own until 55 was terrifying. But once I was out of that miserable environment, it was only a matter of months before I found the peace and faith to let go of the security of a future in the convent.
Everything has changed since I left! I am so peaceful.... I know that my income is less than my expenses, today, and I am gradually depleting the last of the lump-sum payment I received from my contract. I'm not stressed out about it, though. This is all a process. I have given myself, my life, to God. I have invited God to transform me however He will. He is changing me, sure enough, and life just keeps getting better and better. The money, balancing books, will come in time. I am sure that learning to manage my income and expenses, peacefully and confidently, is one of the lessons to come. For now, I am learning to make my bed every morning, and gradually keep a cleaner and neater home; to spend time every day praying and contemplating; to spend less by wasting less (food!); the importance of walking by the lake as often as possible; and how to play the piano...... I am discovering my self, and my God, and the world around me that I was too stressed to see before. Life is amazingly good now. I am humbled, because I didn't make this happen, not in any way. I did not set myself a goal and take steps to get free of that miserable lifestyle. God just lifted me up, all of a sudden one day, at no particular time, just ... the right time, I guess, in His scheme of things. Just lifted me up and set me down in a new, sweet place. I will never, ever go back -- God willing!!
Monday, September 8, 2008
More on Poverty: the 7th Tradition
I just picked up the 12 & 12 (AA's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions), and opened it to a random page. The 7th Tradition: "Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." I read it. The tradition itself, the one-liner, is read at AA (and other 12-step) meetings when a basket is passed for contributions to the group's support. But I don't remember ever reading the chapter in the 12 & 12.
It says that "A.A. must always stay poor", and that "at that moment ..., the principle of corporate poverty was firmly and finally embedded in A.A. traditions." At what moment? At the moment when they declined a gift of $10,000 that had been left in someone's will. Wow. There's a big difference between that and the way religious congregations (maybe not all, but as far as I know) practice corporate poverty. "Fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." Convents live on contributions! Maybe not 100%, but it's like public radio, "listener support is our most important source of revenue." (some of them, anyway ... and I don't know of any that on principle "decline all outside contributions".) And as I discern my future, possibly as a consecrated hermit, this is very relevant to the question of my own vow of poverty.
Should I be "fully self-supporting"? Or should I accept help? On the one hand, I recognize a danger in being too hard-headedly independent -- I have a very hard time asking anyone for help, and that is not necessarily a good thing. I NEED help sometimes, I am no superwoman! On the other hand, just because I call myself a woman of prayer, people ought to give me money? What for, so I'll pray for them? No, I don't believe in buying indulgences, and I don't believe in buying prayers. I am choosing not to go back out and get a regular job. A lot of people would like to give up their jobs. So they should spend some of their hard-earned money supporting my life of prayer? No. I'm a Benedictine monastic (in spirit), and they at least originally were self-supporting through their own labor; not a Franciscan mendicant (the word literally means "beggar"), that's a charism that has never appealed to me. But corporate poverty is also a Franciscan innovation. St. Benedict allowed new entering monks the choice of either turning over their property to the monastery community, or donating it to the poor, and they certainly have always accepted bequests. Maybe that was a big mistake! Surely the relative wealth of the monasteries, later on, became an anti-evangelical witness?
The desert fathers wove baskets from palm leaves. The work itself did them good (I understand that), and they sold the product to support themselves. Understand: the desert fathers went to market to sell these baskets, they didn't refuse to support themselves because it would interfere with their self-imposed solitude.
I worked my entire adult life as a bureaucrat, all but the first year or so for one single employer. I don't know how I am going to support myself once the residual dries up in a year. I am hoping goat's milk, goat cheese, goat's-milk soap, eggs, and maybe some garden produce will net enough to pay the bills. The difference between this and my old salaried life is embracing the uncertainty: God will provide. That doesn't mean someone will die and leave me $10,000 in their will. He will provide by my own efforts, my frugality, and I guess a good dose of serendipity. I guess. I don't know how it will work! But oddly enough ... I do have faith that it will work out.
So what to do if I need help? And what to do if help comes, unasked for? How do I square that with poverty, understood as being "fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions"? Why do I ask this, why do I prefer A.A.'s definition to the way of my beloved Benedictines? Well, because for me, a great part of the attraction I felt to entering Regina Laudis was explicitly, the security. I am NOT an organized person, I do not regularly balance my checkbook, but I had a regular, predictable income for 19 years, and the thought of having to pay the bills without ever knowing what would be coming in was terrifying to me a year ago. I thought entering a convent, where there are other women who are good at the things I am not good at -- like being organized and detail-oriented -- was not a bad thing. Like the body of Christ, each one of us different, each one good, each one only a part of the whole. But it's not -- for me, for MY conversatio morum -- anything like 'consider the lilies of the field.' I think for me, this kind of more radical poverty will be more transformative.
So again: how should I handle needing help, or receiving unasked help? Should I refuse gifts? Donate them to the (involuntarily) poor? Should I accept help, but pay it back when I can? Or "pay it forward", giving to someone else the help that was given to me? What about non-monetary help? How to even account for it, if I think I ought to be paying it back, or forward? Should I, or should I just be grateful for it? What if I CAN'T do something alone (like pin up the hem of the skirt I started making MONTHS ago and got stuck on)? Where's the line between friends helping friends, and accepting "outside contributions"? Because as a hermit, the "corporate" is the same as the "individual", whereas both A.A. and the Rule of Benedict distinguish between the two in their rules on poverty.
Hmm. Food for thought, food for prayer!
Blessings to all who happen on this blog.
Regina
It says that "A.A. must always stay poor", and that "at that moment ..., the principle of corporate poverty was firmly and finally embedded in A.A. traditions." At what moment? At the moment when they declined a gift of $10,000 that had been left in someone's will. Wow. There's a big difference between that and the way religious congregations (maybe not all, but as far as I know) practice corporate poverty. "Fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." Convents live on contributions! Maybe not 100%, but it's like public radio, "listener support is our most important source of revenue." (some of them, anyway ... and I don't know of any that on principle "decline all outside contributions".) And as I discern my future, possibly as a consecrated hermit, this is very relevant to the question of my own vow of poverty.
Should I be "fully self-supporting"? Or should I accept help? On the one hand, I recognize a danger in being too hard-headedly independent -- I have a very hard time asking anyone for help, and that is not necessarily a good thing. I NEED help sometimes, I am no superwoman! On the other hand, just because I call myself a woman of prayer, people ought to give me money? What for, so I'll pray for them? No, I don't believe in buying indulgences, and I don't believe in buying prayers. I am choosing not to go back out and get a regular job. A lot of people would like to give up their jobs. So they should spend some of their hard-earned money supporting my life of prayer? No. I'm a Benedictine monastic (in spirit), and they at least originally were self-supporting through their own labor; not a Franciscan mendicant (the word literally means "beggar"), that's a charism that has never appealed to me. But corporate poverty is also a Franciscan innovation. St. Benedict allowed new entering monks the choice of either turning over their property to the monastery community, or donating it to the poor, and they certainly have always accepted bequests. Maybe that was a big mistake! Surely the relative wealth of the monasteries, later on, became an anti-evangelical witness?
The desert fathers wove baskets from palm leaves. The work itself did them good (I understand that), and they sold the product to support themselves. Understand: the desert fathers went to market to sell these baskets, they didn't refuse to support themselves because it would interfere with their self-imposed solitude.
I worked my entire adult life as a bureaucrat, all but the first year or so for one single employer. I don't know how I am going to support myself once the residual dries up in a year. I am hoping goat's milk, goat cheese, goat's-milk soap, eggs, and maybe some garden produce will net enough to pay the bills. The difference between this and my old salaried life is embracing the uncertainty: God will provide. That doesn't mean someone will die and leave me $10,000 in their will. He will provide by my own efforts, my frugality, and I guess a good dose of serendipity. I guess. I don't know how it will work! But oddly enough ... I do have faith that it will work out.
So what to do if I need help? And what to do if help comes, unasked for? How do I square that with poverty, understood as being "fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions"? Why do I ask this, why do I prefer A.A.'s definition to the way of my beloved Benedictines? Well, because for me, a great part of the attraction I felt to entering Regina Laudis was explicitly, the security. I am NOT an organized person, I do not regularly balance my checkbook, but I had a regular, predictable income for 19 years, and the thought of having to pay the bills without ever knowing what would be coming in was terrifying to me a year ago. I thought entering a convent, where there are other women who are good at the things I am not good at -- like being organized and detail-oriented -- was not a bad thing. Like the body of Christ, each one of us different, each one good, each one only a part of the whole. But it's not -- for me, for MY conversatio morum -- anything like 'consider the lilies of the field.' I think for me, this kind of more radical poverty will be more transformative.
So again: how should I handle needing help, or receiving unasked help? Should I refuse gifts? Donate them to the (involuntarily) poor? Should I accept help, but pay it back when I can? Or "pay it forward", giving to someone else the help that was given to me? What about non-monetary help? How to even account for it, if I think I ought to be paying it back, or forward? Should I, or should I just be grateful for it? What if I CAN'T do something alone (like pin up the hem of the skirt I started making MONTHS ago and got stuck on)? Where's the line between friends helping friends, and accepting "outside contributions"? Because as a hermit, the "corporate" is the same as the "individual", whereas both A.A. and the Rule of Benedict distinguish between the two in their rules on poverty.
Hmm. Food for thought, food for prayer!
Blessings to all who happen on this blog.
Regina
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sarah Palin
John McCain says that Sarah Palin will be a great "partner" for reforming the corrupt ways of Washington. I think he's right about that, and I greatly admire her crusade to clean up Alaska's government and its relationship with big oil. But I don't think that that is the core role of the Vice President.
The most important role of a Vice President is one most of them never have to rise to. It is to guarantee security and stability in an emergency, and competent continuity of governance thereafter. The most important thing a Vice President has to be able to do is to come on TV in the middle of a crisis, in the middle of chaos, and convince U.S. citizens, troops, allies, and most importantly, enemies, that there is no power vacuum. VP does not have to be inspiring, does not have to have a grand vision or far-reaching plan for the future of the country, as a President does. She or he needs to be a partner in governance, but that is in order to maintain readiness to take over at a moment's notice. There is a Cabinet full of partners in governance who should all be passionate reformers; the VP is not primarily that.
Sarah Palin is a strong woman, and I do not doubt that she has the nerve to take charge in an emergency. What I doubt is that she has the relevant knowledge to take charge effectively. I think she could make that TV appearance and show the necessary resolve and strength and coolness. But I, for one, would not be convinced. I do not believe she will be ready on day one.
She has a lot of experience with some aspects of one of the major issues facing our country, i.e. energy. Alaska is a major oil & gas producing state. I admire her independence in holding the oil companies to account, while still encouraging their activity in Alaska. But she does not seem to grasp the dynamics of supply and demand, in the sense that U.S. demand FAR outstrips any increase in supply that drilling in ANWR could provide. She does not seem to know about "peak oil", and scoffs at the long-term outlook that drives the need to diversify into renewable energy sources starting NOW.
Science, in general, seems not to be her strong suit. She does not believe that climate change is caused by human activity. She sued the federal government to try to stop it from designating the polar bear as an endangered species. She favors teaching "intelligent design" (creationism) in schools, and opposes any mention of contraception in sex education classes.
More worrisome, to me, is her complete lack of exposure to the world outside the United States. She first applied for a passport a year ago, in order to visit Alaska National Guard troops in Kuwait. Unlike Cindy McCain and John Bolton, I do not think that Alaska's geographic proximity to Russia means that she has a grasp of foreign policy issues (yes, they both actually said that ... go Google if you don't believe me).
My grandfather served in the Foreign Service, and now one of my brothers is a foreign service officer. Another of my brothers spent 20 years as a Navy SEAL; my stepfather was also a Navy SEAL, in Vietnam. I worked for 19 years in an international development organization. Obviously, international relations matter to me. Sarah Palin didn't have a passport a year ago.
Barack Obama has an American mother from Kansas, an African father, an Asian stepfather; he grew up partly overseas and partly in multicultural Hawaii. Of course that doesn't give him an in-depth knowledge of history, political and economic relations around the world, but it is important nonetheless. He understands how other people see things differently than Americans do. He understands that cultures are different, values are different, circumstances are different. It makes him a great politician, and it will make him a great President.
Joe Biden has the chops to take over in an emergency, and to run the country, if need be, even for four years if (God forbid!) Obama should drop dead on inauguration day. Sarah Palin as VP scares me, in this sense. Of course, McCain kinda scares me, too, but not for the same reasons .... at least he has exposure and experience!
signed,
another pro-life woman for OBAMA
UPDATE:
Now I'm just pissed! The news just came out that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter Bristol, still in high school, is 5 months pregnant. Sarah Palin knew, and according to the news reports, so did John McCain. Bristol, on the other hand, did NOT know that her mother was going to be running for Vice President, until it was a done deal. How dare she! How dare she drag her daughter through this! Wasn't it bad enough accepting this job with a "special needs" four-month-old baby? Naked Ambition. I hadn't written anything about her disregard for the needs of her new baby, not having children myself, with special needs or not. But I do remember being a teenager in crisis, and I Thank God my mother was there for me! I guess her husband was serious when he said she's "not wrapped right." What a nasty individual.
The most important role of a Vice President is one most of them never have to rise to. It is to guarantee security and stability in an emergency, and competent continuity of governance thereafter. The most important thing a Vice President has to be able to do is to come on TV in the middle of a crisis, in the middle of chaos, and convince U.S. citizens, troops, allies, and most importantly, enemies, that there is no power vacuum. VP does not have to be inspiring, does not have to have a grand vision or far-reaching plan for the future of the country, as a President does. She or he needs to be a partner in governance, but that is in order to maintain readiness to take over at a moment's notice. There is a Cabinet full of partners in governance who should all be passionate reformers; the VP is not primarily that.
Sarah Palin is a strong woman, and I do not doubt that she has the nerve to take charge in an emergency. What I doubt is that she has the relevant knowledge to take charge effectively. I think she could make that TV appearance and show the necessary resolve and strength and coolness. But I, for one, would not be convinced. I do not believe she will be ready on day one.
She has a lot of experience with some aspects of one of the major issues facing our country, i.e. energy. Alaska is a major oil & gas producing state. I admire her independence in holding the oil companies to account, while still encouraging their activity in Alaska. But she does not seem to grasp the dynamics of supply and demand, in the sense that U.S. demand FAR outstrips any increase in supply that drilling in ANWR could provide. She does not seem to know about "peak oil", and scoffs at the long-term outlook that drives the need to diversify into renewable energy sources starting NOW.
Science, in general, seems not to be her strong suit. She does not believe that climate change is caused by human activity. She sued the federal government to try to stop it from designating the polar bear as an endangered species. She favors teaching "intelligent design" (creationism) in schools, and opposes any mention of contraception in sex education classes.
More worrisome, to me, is her complete lack of exposure to the world outside the United States. She first applied for a passport a year ago, in order to visit Alaska National Guard troops in Kuwait. Unlike Cindy McCain and John Bolton, I do not think that Alaska's geographic proximity to Russia means that she has a grasp of foreign policy issues (yes, they both actually said that ... go Google if you don't believe me).
My grandfather served in the Foreign Service, and now one of my brothers is a foreign service officer. Another of my brothers spent 20 years as a Navy SEAL; my stepfather was also a Navy SEAL, in Vietnam. I worked for 19 years in an international development organization. Obviously, international relations matter to me. Sarah Palin didn't have a passport a year ago.
Barack Obama has an American mother from Kansas, an African father, an Asian stepfather; he grew up partly overseas and partly in multicultural Hawaii. Of course that doesn't give him an in-depth knowledge of history, political and economic relations around the world, but it is important nonetheless. He understands how other people see things differently than Americans do. He understands that cultures are different, values are different, circumstances are different. It makes him a great politician, and it will make him a great President.
Joe Biden has the chops to take over in an emergency, and to run the country, if need be, even for four years if (God forbid!) Obama should drop dead on inauguration day. Sarah Palin as VP scares me, in this sense. Of course, McCain kinda scares me, too, but not for the same reasons .... at least he has exposure and experience!
signed,
another pro-life woman for OBAMA
UPDATE:
Now I'm just pissed! The news just came out that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter Bristol, still in high school, is 5 months pregnant. Sarah Palin knew, and according to the news reports, so did John McCain. Bristol, on the other hand, did NOT know that her mother was going to be running for Vice President, until it was a done deal. How dare she! How dare she drag her daughter through this! Wasn't it bad enough accepting this job with a "special needs" four-month-old baby? Naked Ambition. I hadn't written anything about her disregard for the needs of her new baby, not having children myself, with special needs or not. But I do remember being a teenager in crisis, and I Thank God my mother was there for me! I guess her husband was serious when he said she's "not wrapped right." What a nasty individual.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Feast of the Queenship of Mary
Today is my name day ... I was named after the Queen of Heaven, Regina Coeli.
And here's where I feel my inadequacy as a Catholic ... I just don't have a whole lot of warm mushy feelings about the Blessed Mother. I can tell you why I think she's awesome ... she lent her humanity, her body, to the Incarnation. Wow. Her young girl body, her womb, contained GOD, all the power and glory and infiniteness that is her Maker and ours; it is Mary's flesh that joined to His divinity when He wanted to become one of us. I think that deserves Queenship, and veneration. But it doesn't equal daughterly devotion. I think of her sometimes as mother-in-law: "Mother Mary, help me to love your Son better, to be a better wife to Him." But I've never felt like she's my own mother. I've never felt a whole lot for her at all, except awe for her role in the great love story of the Incarnation.
We Catholics often get accused of idolatry for venerating the Blessed Virgin and other lesser saints. I have to say, I think many Catholics DO cross that line between veneration and worship, and I think the Church is culpable for not teaching the distinction more strongly. A lot of people firmly believe in the saints' power to work miracles in their own right, rather than the more limited power to intercede effectively for us based on being closer to God than we are. Or am I wrong to make that distinction? Didn't the apostles work miracles in Jesus's name? No, but who worked the miracle, really? The apostle or our Father? Well, I think it was God working by their intercession, wasn't it?
There is a "communion of saints", of course there is. If one believes that life goes on after bodily death, then of course the beloved dead are still with us. They see and hear us, even if we don't see and hear them. We pray for each other, we ask each other to pray for us here in the face to face world. Why shouldn't the saints still pray for us 'over yonder'? God does see and hear them, and what's even better they see Him face to face. Honestly, though, I feel as or more comforted by the prayers of people here in my face-world, or even people with whom I have interacted online, who have shown real concern for me. Or my grandfather -- who was an atheist. I bet he's not an atheist any more! :) And well, we've already discussed my heretical unbelief in eternal damnation. My Abuelo is all right, I truly do believe it.
But mostly I just go straight to God in prayer myself. And I guess I think that's when crossing the "idolatry" line gets a little dangerous, when people pray to the saints instead of to God. Pray with me, brothers and sisters, but your prayers can't substitute for my own relationship with God. At least, maybe just at the very beginning, when I needed God but hadn't found Him yet, or maybe if I'm under a lot of stress and my own prayer life is lacking, then your prayers can carry me. But if I can find time to pray to the saints, I'd better have time to pray to God.
Seems a lot of people conceive of God as an angry old white man up there on His throne, and they go to Mary or some other saint because they find them less intimidating. But that's a problem, I think ... God is God, we can't go around Him! And He's NOT an angry old man, He's a loving spouse ... a baby boy ... a suffering one of us ... a mother who aches for us, her children, and nurtures us. That's GOD.
Mary is human. I already have a human mother ... so no, I don't really get the deep devotion to the BVM. I respect her, I look up to her, I call her awesomely blessed ... and I can talk to her as big sister, or as wise mother-in-law ... but I'm really all about her Maker and mine, I'm all about the divine baby who borrowed from Mary's humanity to join Himself forever to me and all of us.
...ramblings...
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
And here's where I feel my inadequacy as a Catholic ... I just don't have a whole lot of warm mushy feelings about the Blessed Mother. I can tell you why I think she's awesome ... she lent her humanity, her body, to the Incarnation. Wow. Her young girl body, her womb, contained GOD, all the power and glory and infiniteness that is her Maker and ours; it is Mary's flesh that joined to His divinity when He wanted to become one of us. I think that deserves Queenship, and veneration. But it doesn't equal daughterly devotion. I think of her sometimes as mother-in-law: "Mother Mary, help me to love your Son better, to be a better wife to Him." But I've never felt like she's my own mother. I've never felt a whole lot for her at all, except awe for her role in the great love story of the Incarnation.
We Catholics often get accused of idolatry for venerating the Blessed Virgin and other lesser saints. I have to say, I think many Catholics DO cross that line between veneration and worship, and I think the Church is culpable for not teaching the distinction more strongly. A lot of people firmly believe in the saints' power to work miracles in their own right, rather than the more limited power to intercede effectively for us based on being closer to God than we are. Or am I wrong to make that distinction? Didn't the apostles work miracles in Jesus's name? No, but who worked the miracle, really? The apostle or our Father? Well, I think it was God working by their intercession, wasn't it?
There is a "communion of saints", of course there is. If one believes that life goes on after bodily death, then of course the beloved dead are still with us. They see and hear us, even if we don't see and hear them. We pray for each other, we ask each other to pray for us here in the face to face world. Why shouldn't the saints still pray for us 'over yonder'? God does see and hear them, and what's even better they see Him face to face. Honestly, though, I feel as or more comforted by the prayers of people here in my face-world, or even people with whom I have interacted online, who have shown real concern for me. Or my grandfather -- who was an atheist. I bet he's not an atheist any more! :) And well, we've already discussed my heretical unbelief in eternal damnation. My Abuelo is all right, I truly do believe it.
But mostly I just go straight to God in prayer myself. And I guess I think that's when crossing the "idolatry" line gets a little dangerous, when people pray to the saints instead of to God. Pray with me, brothers and sisters, but your prayers can't substitute for my own relationship with God. At least, maybe just at the very beginning, when I needed God but hadn't found Him yet, or maybe if I'm under a lot of stress and my own prayer life is lacking, then your prayers can carry me. But if I can find time to pray to the saints, I'd better have time to pray to God.
Seems a lot of people conceive of God as an angry old white man up there on His throne, and they go to Mary or some other saint because they find them less intimidating. But that's a problem, I think ... God is God, we can't go around Him! And He's NOT an angry old man, He's a loving spouse ... a baby boy ... a suffering one of us ... a mother who aches for us, her children, and nurtures us. That's GOD.
Mary is human. I already have a human mother ... so no, I don't really get the deep devotion to the BVM. I respect her, I look up to her, I call her awesomely blessed ... and I can talk to her as big sister, or as wise mother-in-law ... but I'm really all about her Maker and mine, I'm all about the divine baby who borrowed from Mary's humanity to join Himself forever to me and all of us.
...ramblings...
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
So now I am addicted to the online recovery forum ... LOL 
But did not go to the face to face meeting today. Will probably go tomorrow, because I have many open questions about the role of AA, or the 12 steps generally, in my life right now. Why did this come up now? What am I needing? I had never let go of the spiritual principles of the program, except that I seem never to have grasped the "We" part of it. Why was I drawn to meetings now? (that stomach-ache ... oh, yeah)
On the online forum they've got all kinds of "insanities" bumping up against each other, so I don't feel, so much as in the face-to-face meetings, the need to justify what isms I have ... am I an alcoholic or not? I don't know, and I'm not sure how much it really matters. I have always known that I have the same spiritual & emotional disease, because the 12-step medicine worked for me, it did restore me to sanity. Folks, I was truly insane, and my life was truly unmanageable. Whether I've also got the physical disease, or the potential to develop it, is not so important for me, today, because I can see that abstinence is conducive to my spiritual growth and sanity either way. I want to be a monk, and that, today, is enough motivation not to drink. And enough motivation to work the steps.
I also want to be a hermit ... but am open to that call developing differently than I had imagined, if God is trying to tell me to be less isolated. Solitude and silence are very good for me, but I do not yet know where the right balance is. The nice thing is that this "hermit" thing is pretty recent in the Church, and still pretty loose as far as rules and regs go, so as long as my bishop and I agree that my way of life constitutes a "stricter separation from the world" according to Canon 603, I think I can be a consecrated hermit.
Still looking for the intersection between my Catholic monastic life and my 12-step faith ...
Looking for a way to incorporate 12-stepping into my f2f life in an honest way, on the theory that f2f friends will not let me get away with b.s. I could probably get away with online....
I could look around for a 12-stepping nun or monk -- there are gobs of religious orders around here, bound to be someone local.... I do have a monastic spiritual director, but he doesn't know so much about AA or its offspring ... at this point in my life I am comfortable with my celibacy, have good boundaries, would be fine with a mature male sponsor, especially if he is also celibate ... though a woman would be preferable. Though it is nice to be able to do 5th step with my sponsor/spiritual director and get absolved, sacramentally.
So ... glad to be here. Cross posted pretty much this same on that forum.....
Blessings
Regina Terrae
But did not go to the face to face meeting today. Will probably go tomorrow, because I have many open questions about the role of AA, or the 12 steps generally, in my life right now. Why did this come up now? What am I needing? I had never let go of the spiritual principles of the program, except that I seem never to have grasped the "We" part of it. Why was I drawn to meetings now? (that stomach-ache ... oh, yeah)
On the online forum they've got all kinds of "insanities" bumping up against each other, so I don't feel, so much as in the face-to-face meetings, the need to justify what isms I have ... am I an alcoholic or not? I don't know, and I'm not sure how much it really matters. I have always known that I have the same spiritual & emotional disease, because the 12-step medicine worked for me, it did restore me to sanity. Folks, I was truly insane, and my life was truly unmanageable. Whether I've also got the physical disease, or the potential to develop it, is not so important for me, today, because I can see that abstinence is conducive to my spiritual growth and sanity either way. I want to be a monk, and that, today, is enough motivation not to drink. And enough motivation to work the steps.
I also want to be a hermit ... but am open to that call developing differently than I had imagined, if God is trying to tell me to be less isolated. Solitude and silence are very good for me, but I do not yet know where the right balance is. The nice thing is that this "hermit" thing is pretty recent in the Church, and still pretty loose as far as rules and regs go, so as long as my bishop and I agree that my way of life constitutes a "stricter separation from the world" according to Canon 603, I think I can be a consecrated hermit.
Still looking for the intersection between my Catholic monastic life and my 12-step faith ...
Looking for a way to incorporate 12-stepping into my f2f life in an honest way, on the theory that f2f friends will not let me get away with b.s. I could probably get away with online....
I could look around for a 12-stepping nun or monk -- there are gobs of religious orders around here, bound to be someone local.... I do have a monastic spiritual director, but he doesn't know so much about AA or its offspring ... at this point in my life I am comfortable with my celibacy, have good boundaries, would be fine with a mature male sponsor, especially if he is also celibate ... though a woman would be preferable. Though it is nice to be able to do 5th step with my sponsor/spiritual director and get absolved, sacramentally.
So ... glad to be here. Cross posted pretty much this same on that forum.....
Blessings
Regina Terrae
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
10th Step or 4th Step?
I had titled the last post "Ongoing Conversion", then today's AA meeting topic was the 10th Step: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Cute. OK, that was a good place to be today. I realize that I never really gave up on "the program", although I stopped going to the meetings many years ago. But I think I could use a little kick in the pants, as far as my spiritual progress is concerned ... so there is something here for me.
I never did a really systematic 4th step ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"). I have, of course, examined my conscience and been to sacramental confession. But it would probably be a good thing to set aside some substantial time to do a really systematic, "searching" moral inventory. To really take some time with it.
On the other hand, seems like my main failing, the center of all my failings, is self-centeredness. Too much navel-gazing? Maybe I can find a way to balance the two? I still need to do the self-examination ... but this whole past year and a half has been all about looking within, one way or another, hasn't it? Maybe I should find some volunteer work to do, or something, concurrent with the "4th step"? Well anyway, going to AA meetings takes me outside of myself in some sense.
Fr. H wants me to start thinking about a monastic rule for myself. To include a certain minimum period of daily contemplation! Yay, Fr. H, I like that! I get so worked up with guilt at not working diligently enough, but a monk also has to practice holy leisure. I end up doing neither, just wasting time......
Off to walk around the lake ... holy leisure for today.
R
I never did a really systematic 4th step ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"). I have, of course, examined my conscience and been to sacramental confession. But it would probably be a good thing to set aside some substantial time to do a really systematic, "searching" moral inventory. To really take some time with it.
On the other hand, seems like my main failing, the center of all my failings, is self-centeredness. Too much navel-gazing? Maybe I can find a way to balance the two? I still need to do the self-examination ... but this whole past year and a half has been all about looking within, one way or another, hasn't it? Maybe I should find some volunteer work to do, or something, concurrent with the "4th step"? Well anyway, going to AA meetings takes me outside of myself in some sense.
Fr. H wants me to start thinking about a monastic rule for myself. To include a certain minimum period of daily contemplation! Yay, Fr. H, I like that! I get so worked up with guilt at not working diligently enough, but a monk also has to practice holy leisure. I end up doing neither, just wasting time......
Off to walk around the lake ... holy leisure for today.
R
Ongoing conversion
Or maybe the lesson I need to learn is detachment. Yesterday I was laughing at myself, "So, sister, you want to be a monk? So you're willing to give up sex for life, and you're balking at alcohol? You do know that's not normal, right?"
Just then an e-mail from Fr. H:
So maybe it's still not about alcohol for me, but I do need to be willing to give it up to follow Jesus. Maybe my old 1st step, 22 years ago, is still good, because I sure did feel powerless then, and my life was sure unmanageable. Maybe what I need to do now is a systematic, thorough 4th through 9th step. I did go to Confession way back then, as I was also coming into the Church, and let go of the really big stuff, the major sources of shame and guilt. But as a 4th step it wasn't systematic, and I haven't really done an 8th step. I guess if I have harmed people it's mostly been through sins of omission ... excessive introversion, self-centeredness, self-sufficiency, being unwilling to be involved with people. Case in point: I worked 19 years at my old job, and a lot of people wanted me to keep in touch. It's been a year now, and I have kept in touch with all of about 2 of them. I've blown off even the people I was pretty close to, even the people I really liked. Just can't be bothered.
But all this is a little confusing for a potential hermit. How much and what kind of involvement with people is right for me? What do you want of me, God? How available shall I be, how involved, how interdependent? Where is the healthy balance between hermit-monk and self-absorbed?
I kind of wish it was alcohol bringing me to my knees. AAs are the only people I know who are really willing to confront their character defects intensively and throughout their lives. They're the real monks, more so than any of the church monks I know. I wish I could find, or maybe I could found, a 12-step program for ordinary seekers of God. Then again, as long as I'm willing to not drink, maybe the AAs will let me stay a while and work it out with them, even if I don't say "and I'm an alcoholic."
Anyway ... 3 days in, 3 meetings done, 27 more to go before I even feel like I have anything to base a discernment on, and that's a bare minimum. I am setting myself that 30 days (no, 30 meetings -- I might not be able to go every day) threshhold for a first evaluation of whether or not God might be trying to tell me something, whether maybe I should keep going back for a while longer. I think that's fair. I have also signed into one of the online recovery forums, and I guess I'll have to call one of the local women on the phone, too.
That's me for now, signing off............
Just then an e-mail from Fr. H:
"In today's gospel Peter says to Jesus, 'We have given up everything and followed you.' 'Followed'. Insight: the following is all and everything."Just that, no more. Ha, ha! He didn't know then that I had been to AA, because he has been in retreat. But we will meet this morning.
So maybe it's still not about alcohol for me, but I do need to be willing to give it up to follow Jesus. Maybe my old 1st step, 22 years ago, is still good, because I sure did feel powerless then, and my life was sure unmanageable. Maybe what I need to do now is a systematic, thorough 4th through 9th step. I did go to Confession way back then, as I was also coming into the Church, and let go of the really big stuff, the major sources of shame and guilt. But as a 4th step it wasn't systematic, and I haven't really done an 8th step. I guess if I have harmed people it's mostly been through sins of omission ... excessive introversion, self-centeredness, self-sufficiency, being unwilling to be involved with people. Case in point: I worked 19 years at my old job, and a lot of people wanted me to keep in touch. It's been a year now, and I have kept in touch with all of about 2 of them. I've blown off even the people I was pretty close to, even the people I really liked. Just can't be bothered.
But all this is a little confusing for a potential hermit. How much and what kind of involvement with people is right for me? What do you want of me, God? How available shall I be, how involved, how interdependent? Where is the healthy balance between hermit-monk and self-absorbed?
I kind of wish it was alcohol bringing me to my knees. AAs are the only people I know who are really willing to confront their character defects intensively and throughout their lives. They're the real monks, more so than any of the church monks I know. I wish I could find, or maybe I could found, a 12-step program for ordinary seekers of God. Then again, as long as I'm willing to not drink, maybe the AAs will let me stay a while and work it out with them, even if I don't say "and I'm an alcoholic."
Anyway ... 3 days in, 3 meetings done, 27 more to go before I even feel like I have anything to base a discernment on, and that's a bare minimum. I am setting myself that 30 days (no, 30 meetings -- I might not be able to go every day) threshhold for a first evaluation of whether or not God might be trying to tell me something, whether maybe I should keep going back for a while longer. I think that's fair. I have also signed into one of the online recovery forums, and I guess I'll have to call one of the local women on the phone, too.
That's me for now, signing off............
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